goodbye depressing post of doom

I decided I really n eed to update so everyone knows that I'm still sane. Although...the way work has been going it might not be that long. The day you open up this page and see DIE DIE AVALON DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE is when you'll know I've finally cracked.

I seriously cannot take work anymore. I have zero patience for stupid fat people who don't bother to read our signs, and then complain that we don't have any. Or fat retards who freak out and shriek obsenitites because I put three squirts per layer onto their popcorn. The other day, as soon as all my customers were gone, I went and hid in the back room until my shift was done. I wanted to sit down and cry so badly.

So other than work, I've been as ok as I can be, considedring. I live by myself now in a big old house with three dogs and a cat. It's lonely. I wirte a lot of emo poetry. it's kind of pathetic. But I get out fronm time to time with Ace.

For the week after my mom died, just aout my entire family (with are various and sundry) flew out for the funeral. Great Auntie Eloise and Auntie Barb flew out the day after, Quinn flew out the day after that (which was wonderful; it's been three years since I saw him.) He stayed with me at the house, and we spent pretty much every night staying up until three in the morning, just shooting the shit, crying, whatnot. Cousins Tracy, Soren, Nicole, and Auntie Pat drove out and arrived the day after she died.I had to work the day Ucre flew in, but I finally got home, and got to see little Tori, who is the sweetest thing in the whole wide world!!! bI just adored her. Buckshot arrived that night, after driving up from SeaTac. I spent many many hours with all these people until the funeral, which was on the nineteenth, exactly a week after she died.

The officiating was a weirdo. For instance, she was talking about Mom's favorite song, Man in Black, but she kept calling it Men in Black, and then she kept saying that the lyrics were about people who had bad things happen to them, which is kind of what it's about, but not really, and by not really, I mean not at all. And then she said, "I've never heard the song--but I think that's what it's about." I couldn't believe my ears! What kind of public speaker would ever say something that makes it so blatantly obvious how unprepared my sister waqs to plan this funeral? Anyways, I just llooked at Ace, completely shocked that she would say something like that, and he looked back at, as if to say, "I dunno" and we both started laughing, and Sherayna thought I was crying, and grabbed my hand to 'comfort me' which onl;y made me laugh harder.

As for how I'm actually doing, emotionally, well I dunno. I think this is the closest I've ever come to not being able to handle it. I keep doing everything I need to do, dayd to day, b7u8t everytime I get stressed out, like at work, my dealing-with-it skills just evaporate. They're just completely gone. I was so riude to every single customer today, and the worst thing was, I didn't even care. I \find myself getting mad at things that never used to bug me before. And after that three hundred pound psycho bitch yelled at me the other day, I nearly broke down in the bakc room.

Anyways, life sucks, but big surprise right? I'll deal with it. In the meantime what I should be worrying about is how to pay my rent. I have to apply for orphan benefits, and stuff. I might be able to get monthly supplements, which really is the only way I can survive, because I make eight dollars an hour, part time. It isn't exactly easy to pay nine hundred dollars amonth rent making that, let alone dog food. Probably the easiest thing will be paying for college. This semesters tuition is basically paid for by the student loan I already have, and I can apply for more student loan money for living now that I live on my own. Plus there arre grants and bursaries galore for poor little tragedy stirken girls like me. College will be the easy part, what will be hard is finding the money to survive while I'm in college.

It's struck me now, more than ever how responsible I am for myself now. I have plenty of family and all of them are ready to help out at a moments notice, not to mention my incredible friends, but even with all that: if I won't help myself, no one else will. I am truly on my own, and I am sure not a kid any more. scary thought.

i am an orphan

Marilyn Mattson, my mother
September 1, 1950-December 12, 2005

rest in peace

why, oh why did I ever choose the Vagina Monologues

shoot me now. please.

I have two papers to write tonight before the library closes at ten (it's eight) and my brain just isn't working. I've written half of my intro paragraph for the theatre history one, and I just don't know what to say. It's the lamest assignment ever. V-day should die.

I have cramps. They hurt like a bitch. They woke me up this morning, and I ended up missing the first aid course because I medicated myself to fall back asleep, and ended up sleeping through half of it. I threw up all day long, when I was supposed to be finishing research for both my papers. (both of which are late, btw)

I am such a lame college Pinto. I am a bad student. why can't I just work? I seriously wish that there were agents, and talent scouts at every performance ever, cause then I would know that I'm not succeeding because I'm just a bad actress, and I could change my career path. Then I wouldn't have to be sitting in this freakin library right now trying as hard as I am to write a stupid theatre history paper!

my back hurts. I'm hormonal and pissy. I want Ace.

Oresteia auditions are tomorrow. Jordan Gregoire wrote me a monologue to read for it. I'm so excited! Well, not for the auditions, but to read Jordan Gregoire's monologues. Friday, I somehow have to get up early for a This is a Play meeting, and do an English exam, which happens to be during the time when I'm supposed to be working. And I'm pretty sure that all my other exams fall during shifts, too! SUCKY! I don't know what I'm going to do! I have to call the office, and tell them that they'll prbably hyave to get someone else. They're going to fire me, I know it. I also have to sing for the auditions. Not looking forward to that. My voice is extrem-o substandard.

Hey, I made an msn space, and finally found brianna's! go me! I'm gonna go post on it. go procrastination! here's the link:http://spaces.msn.com/members/thegreatestpintoofall/

ok, off to finish my paper. before I wrote this paragraph, I did a bit more researching, and found this fabulous article by Betty Dodson that inspired me to do a whole new thesis! go me! unfortunately, there's this huge picture of a vagina, and a vibrator at the top, and when I opened it up, I thought it was porn, and nearly died, cause I'm in the campus library!