I need a touch-up/
I need a hair cut/
Need a nip and a tuck/
Need to be plucked and cut/
I need a touch-up
Mother Mother knows everything I think at all times... Conor Oberst used to know everything I thought, but ever since I realized he was a stupid boy like everything else that sucks in my life, I realized that he doesn't actually think much like me at all. Modest Mouse just rock-s0rs. But Mother Mother totally gets it.
Bad week. Bad day after bad day. Bad feelings. I don't know what to do. I'm backsliding again, and I hate it. I had a terrible shift. Dan yelled at me. For talking down to him, of all things! Asshole. I mean, fuck, how much do I have to put up with, and grin about? Nothing is sacred to him, and Steve, and yet I mention his disgusting glove habits, and he says he's going to bitch-slap me.
Nothing else even bears mentioning, it sucks so hard. My god, I am SO delusional all the fucking time! I never see anything but what I want to see! And I KNOW the truth of what's going on, but if I don't want to hear it, I just don't let myself. I am in such denial all the time!
Fuck, I try so hard. When is all this trying going to pay off and let me just be happy? I am so SICK of being sad! I AM SO SICK OF IT. When was the last time I was really happy? I honestly don't even remember it.
Someone called me melodramatic this week. It doesn't matter what I do, it somehow always turns out to be wrong. I work super hard at Tim's, because even if it is a shitty joe-job, I should still at least try to be good at it. All it ever gets me is a lot of pissy customers, and stress. I try to be a good friend, or someone who would be worth dating, and it brings me nothing but hurt feelings. I'm not right for anything.
Why is ordinary life so daunting? I don't get it, I can handle big stuff, but when it comes to getting from Monday to Friday, I'm completely useless.
Everyone in my family has a place, and a purpose. Ucre has his super-religious family, and his well-paying job. Buck is crazy Army Man, and has his wife. My sister's got her kids to take care of and now SHE'S even getting married. Quinn's getting married in three weeks, and him and Courtney just found out that THEY are pregnant. My cousins are all married, or pregnant, or going to college forever. I'm the only one being left behind. And me being nineteen means nothing. It wasn't easy at eleven watching them learn to drive and going out with their stupid boyfriends and girlfriends, and moving away from home, either.
I'm always going to be the extra half of a person that everyone's mean to because it's convenient. I'm always going to be the last little accident that shares only half a set of genomes with anyone else. I'm always going to be the afterthought in the corner of the Christmas dinner table, squished in between babies and guests, with the last folding chair that has the broken seat.
Fuck. God damn. I am so sick of feeling like this. But I don't know how to make it better. Every time I try, I end up fucking something else up.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
eleven minute rule
did you know that many action movies are written around a basic rule that says an action sequence must happen every eleven minutes? If you watch movies like Die Hard, you'll see how closely this rule is followed by Hollywood action writers. :)
Today I pick up my car!!!! And after that I go buy a Haynes Manual FOR my car! Then my brother will attempt to teach me something ABOUT my car! This weekend, he's going to go with me to get it insured, and hopefully Baker's will have my starter in by then! SO EXCITED!!!!!!
My weekend SUCKED! Friday, I was in so much pain from my jaw, and had been popping extra-strength Tylenols like TicTacs that I contemplated calling in and going to the hospital. I called my dentist, but of course his office was closed for the long weekend, and no one answered his emergency line. So I called Quinn to ask his advice, and he told me to go buy Advil and Aspirin and take two of each along with two Tylenol every six hours, and it would knock the pain out enough to work. So...I did!
Predictably enough, I spent the night high off my tree! It was a fun shift, though! I was totally giddy, and me, Destiny and Kelsey had fun in drivethru... there was one lady who almost made me pee my pants laughing! When she ordered, she took a super long time, and then pretty much shouted her order super quick! Destiny and I just looked at each other, and I gave her her total, and she was like, "............okbye!" And us DT girls just burst out laughing!
When she got up to the window, she gave us a ten. We gave her her food. All is well. I was about to give her her change, but she was talking on a cell phone, so I leaned out and was waiting for her to turn her attention towards me, but she just glanced at my hand holding her change out of the corner of her eye, and yelled, "IDON'TNEEDMYCHANGEOKTHANKSBYE" and literally PEELED out of druve thru! It was the FUNNIEST thing!!! I seriously fell on the floor I was laughing so hard!!!
So Friday wasn't too bad. Medicated off my ass, not a bad shift, but my jaw kept hurting and hurting... I got about three hours sleep before it woke me up again. I probably downed about twenty or twentyfive pain pills in those two days... By that night, I was exhausted, in pain, hungry, but nauseous from having ingested nothing but meds for two days. Predictably, I spent that entire night retching in the bathroom... I couldn't go an hour without running into the back, leaving Dan to take care of everything. He was great, and took care of everything, as well as covering me while I barfed, but he still left at three, and after putting lineups of cars on hold while I tried to get my nausea over with and back to work, I finally called Trevor and asked him to come in early. He ended up coming in at five thirty, and taking over for me so I could go home and rest, which I did.
Slept about six hours and woke up to find my face swollen to about twice it's normal size on my right cheek...I couldn't lay on that side, I couldn't touch my jaw, I couldn't put anything in my mouth without sever pain...I could barely even talk. I woke up around three, and decided enough was enough. I needed to go to the hospital.
Called Sherayna. Sherayna was working. Called Quinn. Quinn was helping Courtney babysit. I was shocked. I asked him, Quinn, did you not hear what I just said? I need to go to the hospital. I NEED you right now. "Well, I'm sorry, Alleah, but you just have a bad tooth. How would Courtney feel if I left her with five kids to look after?"
Let's just say he got a lot of the hurt and anger I felt at that point back in his face last night, when I flipped on him for never being around when I needed him.
So finally I called Ace, who VOLUNTEERED to take me, without me ever having to ask. Told Quinn last night on the phone that he could chew on that, that the one person everybody in my family agrees is no good for me, was the one person who was there for me when I needed it. So we went to the hospital. I hated it... I hate that place. So we waiting a couple of hours, pretty much for some moose of a male nurse to tap a stick on each of my teeth and tell me he thought I had an absess. Gave me a prescription of T3's (which are the most wonderful invention of mankind) and ten days worth of penicillin. And that was that. I hate life.
We had a bit of an adventure to find a drugstore that was open (this was on Canada Day), but finally we went to London Drugs and got the prescription filled. He took me home, where I promptly went into a coma of unparalelled proportions. At that point, I'd basically sleep for five or six hours, be woken up by the pain, take more pills, read for ten or fifteen minutes til I fell asleep again to be woken up five or six hours later. That went on all through Monday and Tuesday night. Finally on Tuesday, I woke up and realized the swelling had gone down a bit. I then ordered Fast Eddies in for the first meal I'd had in four days (I'd been living on yogurt and liquids). It took me about four tries over the entire day to get the whole meal down. (chicken strips, beef dip sandwich and soup)
On Tuesday, I also had my dentists appointment. They took x-rays, and decided that although my wisdom tooth WAS severely impacted and needed to come out, first I needed to have a root canal on one of my molars that had absessed. Now that's great, because I have no coverage for an operation like that. I don't qualify for benefits at Tim's, I'm not covered on any of my family's insurance, and the only way the government will pay for it is if I get the tooth pulled, which is not an option. I will NOT have my tooth pulled. So basically, I have to find a second job, apply for coverage under personal insurance carriers, which'll cost about a hundred a month, and then pay into the policy for a month or two or whatever they require and get the work done; or foot the entire $4000 bill.
And then once that's done, I STILL have to have my wisdom teeth taken out, which'll cost even more, unless I can get the hospital to say that they are a danger to my health (for instance, they're growing in such a way that they could peirce an artery or something) and get them taken out for free.
So Alleah is not entirely happy about this situation...
but whatever, I'm getting my car today! :)
Today I pick up my car!!!! And after that I go buy a Haynes Manual FOR my car! Then my brother will attempt to teach me something ABOUT my car! This weekend, he's going to go with me to get it insured, and hopefully Baker's will have my starter in by then! SO EXCITED!!!!!!
My weekend SUCKED! Friday, I was in so much pain from my jaw, and had been popping extra-strength Tylenols like TicTacs that I contemplated calling in and going to the hospital. I called my dentist, but of course his office was closed for the long weekend, and no one answered his emergency line. So I called Quinn to ask his advice, and he told me to go buy Advil and Aspirin and take two of each along with two Tylenol every six hours, and it would knock the pain out enough to work. So...I did!
Predictably enough, I spent the night high off my tree! It was a fun shift, though! I was totally giddy, and me, Destiny and Kelsey had fun in drivethru... there was one lady who almost made me pee my pants laughing! When she ordered, she took a super long time, and then pretty much shouted her order super quick! Destiny and I just looked at each other, and I gave her her total, and she was like, "............okbye!" And us DT girls just burst out laughing!
When she got up to the window, she gave us a ten. We gave her her food. All is well. I was about to give her her change, but she was talking on a cell phone, so I leaned out and was waiting for her to turn her attention towards me, but she just glanced at my hand holding her change out of the corner of her eye, and yelled, "IDON'TNEEDMYCHANGEOKTHANKSBYE" and literally PEELED out of druve thru! It was the FUNNIEST thing!!! I seriously fell on the floor I was laughing so hard!!!
So Friday wasn't too bad. Medicated off my ass, not a bad shift, but my jaw kept hurting and hurting... I got about three hours sleep before it woke me up again. I probably downed about twenty or twentyfive pain pills in those two days... By that night, I was exhausted, in pain, hungry, but nauseous from having ingested nothing but meds for two days. Predictably, I spent that entire night retching in the bathroom... I couldn't go an hour without running into the back, leaving Dan to take care of everything. He was great, and took care of everything, as well as covering me while I barfed, but he still left at three, and after putting lineups of cars on hold while I tried to get my nausea over with and back to work, I finally called Trevor and asked him to come in early. He ended up coming in at five thirty, and taking over for me so I could go home and rest, which I did.
Slept about six hours and woke up to find my face swollen to about twice it's normal size on my right cheek...I couldn't lay on that side, I couldn't touch my jaw, I couldn't put anything in my mouth without sever pain...I could barely even talk. I woke up around three, and decided enough was enough. I needed to go to the hospital.
Called Sherayna. Sherayna was working. Called Quinn. Quinn was helping Courtney babysit. I was shocked. I asked him, Quinn, did you not hear what I just said? I need to go to the hospital. I NEED you right now. "Well, I'm sorry, Alleah, but you just have a bad tooth. How would Courtney feel if I left her with five kids to look after?"
Let's just say he got a lot of the hurt and anger I felt at that point back in his face last night, when I flipped on him for never being around when I needed him.
So finally I called Ace, who VOLUNTEERED to take me, without me ever having to ask. Told Quinn last night on the phone that he could chew on that, that the one person everybody in my family agrees is no good for me, was the one person who was there for me when I needed it. So we went to the hospital. I hated it... I hate that place. So we waiting a couple of hours, pretty much for some moose of a male nurse to tap a stick on each of my teeth and tell me he thought I had an absess. Gave me a prescription of T3's (which are the most wonderful invention of mankind) and ten days worth of penicillin. And that was that. I hate life.
We had a bit of an adventure to find a drugstore that was open (this was on Canada Day), but finally we went to London Drugs and got the prescription filled. He took me home, where I promptly went into a coma of unparalelled proportions. At that point, I'd basically sleep for five or six hours, be woken up by the pain, take more pills, read for ten or fifteen minutes til I fell asleep again to be woken up five or six hours later. That went on all through Monday and Tuesday night. Finally on Tuesday, I woke up and realized the swelling had gone down a bit. I then ordered Fast Eddies in for the first meal I'd had in four days (I'd been living on yogurt and liquids). It took me about four tries over the entire day to get the whole meal down. (chicken strips, beef dip sandwich and soup)
On Tuesday, I also had my dentists appointment. They took x-rays, and decided that although my wisdom tooth WAS severely impacted and needed to come out, first I needed to have a root canal on one of my molars that had absessed. Now that's great, because I have no coverage for an operation like that. I don't qualify for benefits at Tim's, I'm not covered on any of my family's insurance, and the only way the government will pay for it is if I get the tooth pulled, which is not an option. I will NOT have my tooth pulled. So basically, I have to find a second job, apply for coverage under personal insurance carriers, which'll cost about a hundred a month, and then pay into the policy for a month or two or whatever they require and get the work done; or foot the entire $4000 bill.
And then once that's done, I STILL have to have my wisdom teeth taken out, which'll cost even more, unless I can get the hospital to say that they are a danger to my health (for instance, they're growing in such a way that they could peirce an artery or something) and get them taken out for free.
So Alleah is not entirely happy about this situation...
but whatever, I'm getting my car today! :)
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