I forget that I can remember when/I was young, climbing up fences/Scraping my knees/Dirt on my cheeks/Not one Make-over Queen bone in me

I need a touch-up/
I need a hair cut/
Need a nip and a tuck/
Need to be plucked and cut/

I need a touch-up

Mother Mother knows everything I think at all times... Conor Oberst used to know everything I thought, but ever since I realized he was a stupid boy like everything else that sucks in my life, I realized that he doesn't actually think much like me at all. Modest Mouse just rock-s0rs. But Mother Mother totally gets it.

Bad week. Bad day after bad day. Bad feelings. I don't know what to do. I'm backsliding again, and I hate it. I had a terrible shift. Dan yelled at me. For talking down to him, of all things! Asshole. I mean, fuck, how much do I have to put up with, and grin about? Nothing is sacred to him, and Steve, and yet I mention his disgusting glove habits, and he says he's going to bitch-slap me.

Nothing else even bears mentioning, it sucks so hard. My god, I am SO delusional all the fucking time! I never see anything but what I want to see! And I KNOW the truth of what's going on, but if I don't want to hear it, I just don't let myself. I am in such denial all the time!

Fuck, I try so hard. When is all this trying going to pay off and let me just be happy? I am so SICK of being sad! I AM SO SICK OF IT. When was the last time I was really happy? I honestly don't even remember it.

Someone called me melodramatic this week. It doesn't matter what I do, it somehow always turns out to be wrong. I work super hard at Tim's, because even if it is a shitty joe-job, I should still at least try to be good at it. All it ever gets me is a lot of pissy customers, and stress. I try to be a good friend, or someone who would be worth dating, and it brings me nothing but hurt feelings. I'm not right for anything.

Why is ordinary life so daunting? I don't get it, I can handle big stuff, but when it comes to getting from Monday to Friday, I'm completely useless.

Everyone in my family has a place, and a purpose. Ucre has his super-religious family, and his well-paying job. Buck is crazy Army Man, and has his wife. My sister's got her kids to take care of and now SHE'S even getting married. Quinn's getting married in three weeks, and him and Courtney just found out that THEY are pregnant. My cousins are all married, or pregnant, or going to college forever. I'm the only one being left behind. And me being nineteen means nothing. It wasn't easy at eleven watching them learn to drive and going out with their stupid boyfriends and girlfriends, and moving away from home, either.

I'm always going to be the extra half of a person that everyone's mean to because it's convenient. I'm always going to be the last little accident that shares only half a set of genomes with anyone else. I'm always going to be the afterthought in the corner of the Christmas dinner table, squished in between babies and guests, with the last folding chair that has the broken seat.

Fuck. God damn. I am so sick of feeling like this. But I don't know how to make it better. Every time I try, I end up fucking something else up.