I forget that I can remember when/I was young, climbing up fences/Scraping my knees/Dirt on my cheeks/Not one Make-over Queen bone in me

I need a touch-up/
I need a hair cut/
Need a nip and a tuck/
Need to be plucked and cut/

I need a touch-up

Mother Mother knows everything I think at all times... Conor Oberst used to know everything I thought, but ever since I realized he was a stupid boy like everything else that sucks in my life, I realized that he doesn't actually think much like me at all. Modest Mouse just rock-s0rs. But Mother Mother totally gets it.

Bad week. Bad day after bad day. Bad feelings. I don't know what to do. I'm backsliding again, and I hate it. I had a terrible shift. Dan yelled at me. For talking down to him, of all things! Asshole. I mean, fuck, how much do I have to put up with, and grin about? Nothing is sacred to him, and Steve, and yet I mention his disgusting glove habits, and he says he's going to bitch-slap me.

Nothing else even bears mentioning, it sucks so hard. My god, I am SO delusional all the fucking time! I never see anything but what I want to see! And I KNOW the truth of what's going on, but if I don't want to hear it, I just don't let myself. I am in such denial all the time!

Fuck, I try so hard. When is all this trying going to pay off and let me just be happy? I am so SICK of being sad! I AM SO SICK OF IT. When was the last time I was really happy? I honestly don't even remember it.

Someone called me melodramatic this week. It doesn't matter what I do, it somehow always turns out to be wrong. I work super hard at Tim's, because even if it is a shitty joe-job, I should still at least try to be good at it. All it ever gets me is a lot of pissy customers, and stress. I try to be a good friend, or someone who would be worth dating, and it brings me nothing but hurt feelings. I'm not right for anything.

Why is ordinary life so daunting? I don't get it, I can handle big stuff, but when it comes to getting from Monday to Friday, I'm completely useless.

Everyone in my family has a place, and a purpose. Ucre has his super-religious family, and his well-paying job. Buck is crazy Army Man, and has his wife. My sister's got her kids to take care of and now SHE'S even getting married. Quinn's getting married in three weeks, and him and Courtney just found out that THEY are pregnant. My cousins are all married, or pregnant, or going to college forever. I'm the only one being left behind. And me being nineteen means nothing. It wasn't easy at eleven watching them learn to drive and going out with their stupid boyfriends and girlfriends, and moving away from home, either.

I'm always going to be the extra half of a person that everyone's mean to because it's convenient. I'm always going to be the last little accident that shares only half a set of genomes with anyone else. I'm always going to be the afterthought in the corner of the Christmas dinner table, squished in between babies and guests, with the last folding chair that has the broken seat.

Fuck. God damn. I am so sick of feeling like this. But I don't know how to make it better. Every time I try, I end up fucking something else up.

eleven minute rule

did you know that many action movies are written around a basic rule that says an action sequence must happen every eleven minutes? If you watch movies like Die Hard, you'll see how closely this rule is followed by Hollywood action writers. :)

Today I pick up my car!!!! And after that I go buy a Haynes Manual FOR my car! Then my brother will attempt to teach me something ABOUT my car! This weekend, he's going to go with me to get it insured, and hopefully Baker's will have my starter in by then! SO EXCITED!!!!!!

My weekend SUCKED! Friday, I was in so much pain from my jaw, and had been popping extra-strength Tylenols like TicTacs that I contemplated calling in and going to the hospital. I called my dentist, but of course his office was closed for the long weekend, and no one answered his emergency line. So I called Quinn to ask his advice, and he told me to go buy Advil and Aspirin and take two of each along with two Tylenol every six hours, and it would knock the pain out enough to work. So...I did!

Predictably enough, I spent the night high off my tree! It was a fun shift, though! I was totally giddy, and me, Destiny and Kelsey had fun in drivethru... there was one lady who almost made me pee my pants laughing! When she ordered, she took a super long time, and then pretty much shouted her order super quick! Destiny and I just looked at each other, and I gave her her total, and she was like, "............okbye!" And us DT girls just burst out laughing!

When she got up to the window, she gave us a ten. We gave her her food. All is well. I was about to give her her change, but she was talking on a cell phone, so I leaned out and was waiting for her to turn her attention towards me, but she just glanced at my hand holding her change out of the corner of her eye, and yelled, "IDON'TNEEDMYCHANGEOKTHANKSBYE" and literally PEELED out of druve thru! It was the FUNNIEST thing!!! I seriously fell on the floor I was laughing so hard!!!

So Friday wasn't too bad. Medicated off my ass, not a bad shift, but my jaw kept hurting and hurting... I got about three hours sleep before it woke me up again. I probably downed about twenty or twentyfive pain pills in those two days... By that night, I was exhausted, in pain, hungry, but nauseous from having ingested nothing but meds for two days. Predictably, I spent that entire night retching in the bathroom... I couldn't go an hour without running into the back, leaving Dan to take care of everything. He was great, and took care of everything, as well as covering me while I barfed, but he still left at three, and after putting lineups of cars on hold while I tried to get my nausea over with and back to work, I finally called Trevor and asked him to come in early. He ended up coming in at five thirty, and taking over for me so I could go home and rest, which I did.

Slept about six hours and woke up to find my face swollen to about twice it's normal size on my right cheek...I couldn't lay on that side, I couldn't touch my jaw, I couldn't put anything in my mouth without sever pain...I could barely even talk. I woke up around three, and decided enough was enough. I needed to go to the hospital.

Called Sherayna. Sherayna was working. Called Quinn. Quinn was helping Courtney babysit. I was shocked. I asked him, Quinn, did you not hear what I just said? I need to go to the hospital. I NEED you right now. "Well, I'm sorry, Alleah, but you just have a bad tooth. How would Courtney feel if I left her with five kids to look after?"

Let's just say he got a lot of the hurt and anger I felt at that point back in his face last night, when I flipped on him for never being around when I needed him.

So finally I called Ace, who VOLUNTEERED to take me, without me ever having to ask. Told Quinn last night on the phone that he could chew on that, that the one person everybody in my family agrees is no good for me, was the one person who was there for me when I needed it. So we went to the hospital. I hated it... I hate that place. So we waiting a couple of hours, pretty much for some moose of a male nurse to tap a stick on each of my teeth and tell me he thought I had an absess. Gave me a prescription of T3's (which are the most wonderful invention of mankind) and ten days worth of penicillin. And that was that. I hate life.

We had a bit of an adventure to find a drugstore that was open (this was on Canada Day), but finally we went to London Drugs and got the prescription filled. He took me home, where I promptly went into a coma of unparalelled proportions. At that point, I'd basically sleep for five or six hours, be woken up by the pain, take more pills, read for ten or fifteen minutes til I fell asleep again to be woken up five or six hours later. That went on all through Monday and Tuesday night. Finally on Tuesday, I woke up and realized the swelling had gone down a bit. I then ordered Fast Eddies in for the first meal I'd had in four days (I'd been living on yogurt and liquids). It took me about four tries over the entire day to get the whole meal down. (chicken strips, beef dip sandwich and soup)

On Tuesday, I also had my dentists appointment. They took x-rays, and decided that although my wisdom tooth WAS severely impacted and needed to come out, first I needed to have a root canal on one of my molars that had absessed. Now that's great, because I have no coverage for an operation like that. I don't qualify for benefits at Tim's, I'm not covered on any of my family's insurance, and the only way the government will pay for it is if I get the tooth pulled, which is not an option. I will NOT have my tooth pulled. So basically, I have to find a second job, apply for coverage under personal insurance carriers, which'll cost about a hundred a month, and then pay into the policy for a month or two or whatever they require and get the work done; or foot the entire $4000 bill.

And then once that's done, I STILL have to have my wisdom teeth taken out, which'll cost even more, unless I can get the hospital to say that they are a danger to my health (for instance, they're growing in such a way that they could peirce an artery or something) and get them taken out for free.

So Alleah is not entirely happy about this situation...

but whatever, I'm getting my car today! :)

rain, pain, and automobiles

rawr! Alleah has a sore ear, jaw, and bottom. My ear is full of water from taking my neice and nephew swimming, my wisdom tooth is impacted causing crazy jaw pain, and I fell on my ass while I was drunk last night! I am so fucking haggard! That's ok. The absinthe I'll drink later with Laura, Brianna and Mel will cure all!

This rain is killing me. It is so hard to get up and do anything when you look outside your window and see nothing but gray sheets of precipitation. Someon e please give me a kick in the ass to get me out of my house! Even if it's just to go pick up my car, because even that would be better than watching movies all day, with my curtains drawn! For fucks sake! RAWR!~~!!!!

I obviously have some serious cabin fever. What the fuck is all this rain in the end of June! I mean I know this is the rainforest, but give me a goddamn break! I need sun.

Ok. I really have nothing interesting to say. Please, everyone, promise me that if there are fireworks this Sunday, DON'T go get Tim Horton's! My asshole managers have decided to put me on by myself--ON A FIREWORKS SUNDAY! So it's going to be crazy all night, and I need you guys to help me out by being one LESS customer to spend fifteen minutes serving. My drivethru times are going to be through the roof, and no one is going to get out of that line up very fast. Well...that is if there ARE fireworks this Sunday... someone told me that they heard there weren't going to be any because the city of Nanaimo spent too much on Bathtub weekend, and May Day fireworks. So if there are...I'm fucked... if there aren't, well I'll probably still be fucking busy, but not as bad as it could be.

rain rain, go away....

angels bowling in heaven

Today was the first thunderstorm I've seen since my childhood. Remember sitting with your mom or dad when the lights went out and drinking hot chocolate while counting seconds in between flash, and BOOM!...? That was pretty much me today. Couldn't sleep and was watching a movie when all of a sudden this huge crash above my head just rocked my socks off, and I looked out my window to see mean grey clouds rolling over head. All my neighbors were coming out onto their porch to watch, but just my luck, my apartment faces the opposite direction of where the lightning seemed to be. All I saw was a flash of slightly whiter light o nce in a while, whereupon I'd start counting. The closest was two miles away. That one was scary, because maybe a minute later I heard sirens start going, and I swear my heart took off.

On the brighter side, someone's internet connection likes me, considering I was able to get online at home today for the first time in AGES!

You know today scared me a lot. I've been reading about global warming theories and such, and the idea that all the atmospheric conditions required to precipitate an apocalyptic weather event are present and accounted for NOW has me looking at every raindrop. I know I'm being a bit alarmist at best, completely ridiculous at worst. But it still scares me. I mean, we've known long enough that our actions affect our environment, and have been for much longer than we really realize. We've taken steps, maybe steps big enough to affect the shitpile we've made for ourselves, but A) is it enough, B) can we keep it up without bringing our stupid human ambitions into it (obviously not, if the Bush administration is any example of the future of the human race), and C) have those steps come too late anyway?

Let me give you a synopsis of a book I read a little while ago (this is almost all I can think about lately and most of what I talk about so skip it if I've told you already). It's about the environmental study, the results of which inspired the movie The Day After Tomorrow. All amateur movie critics who hated that movie can just hold their tongue, because this isn't about the movie, it's about the theory behind the movie.

Basically, the book is about how the constantly record-breaking temperatures each season is evidence of a developing pattern of stronger weather. The stronger storms we see each season, the record-hot summers (2005, the hottest year ever recorded), and frequency and unprecedented strength of natural disasters are evidence of a coming climate shift and are caused by higher levels of CO2 in the atmosphere, which in turn are being pumped out of our cars, factories and industrial endeavors. In short the theory goes, we pump greenhouse gases into the earth's atmosphere through the burning of fossil feuls, which traps sun rays and heats up the atmosphere. As each year that passes gets hotter and hotter, the polar ice caps melt at an alarming rate. Glaciers are disappearing, polar habitats are vanishing, and ice shelfs so big they form land features visible from space are breaking away because they're melting. If we were continue as we do today for twenty five years, Antarctica will present a vastly different face, as the Larsen B ice shelf which has already broken away from the rest of the ice at the southern pole melts and melts. All this melting ice is pumping tons and tons of fresh water into the oceans of the world, fragile ecosystems that depend on chemical balance and temperature among other things to keep stable.

This is stuff most of us know, and think about and if it isn't, well Al Gore's new documentary will make you think about it, if you decide to watch it (which you should, in my opinion). This is where the theory begins that The Day After Tomorrow is based on. Apparently, all this fresh water in the oceans will dilute the salty water to an extreme degree, and possibly disrupt the North Atlantic Current, an oceanic current that runs from Florida all the way up to Greenland, and over to Atlantic Europe and back down again. It will cause the current to reverse, bringing not tropical warmth to the northern reaches, but instead polar cold to some of the most populated areas in North America. The concept is that weather fronts will stream down from the arctic bringing rain, sleet, snow, and ultimately extreme cold. A climate shift will occur, thrusting most of the northern hemisphere into another Ice Age, which will last for (depending on, among other things, which season it happens in) for either thousands or millions of years.

Ok, you go, Alleah learned that from listening to the freakin dialogue in that stupid weather movie. But the book goes into detail about how shifts like that which is described HAVE happened before and recently, geologically speaking. In the past ten thousand years in fact. It cites archaelogical evidence lending credibility to this theory, facts like the Egyptian Sphinx being much older than previously though because of the discovery of water damage at the base that places the date of it's construction at something like ten thousand years ago at a time when the climate of the area could possibly have sustained such phenomena. This means that there was a civilization that lived ten thousand years ago that had the means to build a structure that still baffles the engineers of today. And from other isolated archaelogical finds (for example a spear with a head made of steel, dated from a time during the Bronze Age), the evidence of ocean-venturing humans taking voyages out of sight of land (requiring skills of navigation, and obviously communication) thousands of years before it was previously thought our ancestors figured out how to float, and mythology that is now being reaffirmed by scientific findings, experts are deducing that we must have been WAY smarter way before we believed we were.

So what happened to child-prodigy-homo sapiens? Where did this super-intelligient civilization go? Well, judging from chemical analysis of layers of ice in polar ice shelfs (which behaves in a way similar to the layers of earth in a canyon, trapping atmospheric elements like carbon dioxide in the snow falling that turns into packed ice) these overdeveloped humans were living at a time the last climate dip occured. They seem to have been destroyed by the onslaught of the last Ice Age.

So how exactly does the climate shift happen? According the the authors of this Doomsday Book, the first few conditions needed for a global superstorm are in place. Rising CO2 levels result in trapped greenhouse gases, resulting in the overheating of the earth. Now if these elements combined to create a "warm snap" as the book calls it--weather warm enough to heat up the Arctic Ocean by just a few degrees. All this heat will trap cold air at the pole. The fresh water flowing into the Arctic Ocean will take on even more heat and warm the Arctic Ocean further. This is where the North Atlantic Current reverses, swinging south, bringing with it, all of the super-cooled air down from the pole in a vicious weather front. The warmed ocean combined with super cool air in the stratosphere will create an imbalance, causing a storm so intense, it would rage for weeks, bringing unprecedented weather conditions to areas completely unprepared for them. The system (or systems, possibly) would bring weeks of snow, and intense arctic cold. The storm would rage on until the imbalance that created was restored (that is until the oceans cool enough for the reversed current to resume it's normal pattern), and by that time, so much snow would have been dumped on the Northern Hemisphere, it would cause a dramatic change in how much sunlight was reflected away from the earth, which would cause worldwide temperatures to drop dramatically. If this storm occurs in summertime, there's a chance the snow might melt, depending on how much has been dropped and how tightly it's packed down already. Given enough tightly packed snow that forms into ice, a cooling trend would start. Remember in geological terms a trend might last anywhere from centuries to millenia. If this superstorm occured in the Northern Hemisphere's winter, and the sun didn't get enough light and warmth to the earth's surface to melt the ice and snow in the next years, humanity would be looking at a lifetime of ice, if we survived at all.

For this superstorm to even occur, it needs enough water vapor rising off the superheated oceans, combined with super-cool air from the stratosphere, and needs to become so large, it's fed simultaneously by intense arctic cold, and tropical heat. Judging from the strength of the storms we see each year, this is beginning to look even more possible than ever before. In my lifetime so far, the world has seen the worst storms in mankind's recorded history. Each year, there's a new "Hottest;" each hurricane flaunts the "highest wind speed ever recorded." With natural disasters growing ever more disastrous, other signs pop up and combine to make a sickening point.

Each period of the Earth's history, (Cretaceous, etc) ended with a massive extinction level event. Ice-Age-heralding superstorms freezing mammoths instantaneously, and comets smashing into a fragile ecosystem causing the extinction of the greatest predators the world has ever seen. Each extinction event has been preceded by a period of decline, most of them millions of years long. If we are within a quarter century of the next extinction level event, than it sheds a chilling light of comparison on our past one hundred years. The pollution and grit we've been sending into the atmosphere since the beginning of the Industrial Revolution, is eerily reminiscient of the dust and choking air pollution sent wheeling into the atmosphere by the comet that claimed the lives of the dinosaurs. To quote the occasionally morbid authors of this book, mankind is becoming it's own extinction event.

We've always arrogantly considered ourselves our own worst enemy. Aliens? Asteroids? Lucifer and all the temptaion he can throw at you? Nothing compared to the valour, the ingenuity, the salvation of faith the human race can dredge up--or at least according to the movies. The only thing we've never been able to come up with an answer to is our own folly, our own greed, our own ambition and lust, and envy, our ostrich-like avoidance of true problems until our problems come right up to us and demand to be addressed.

Well, now we have the proof, don't we? Archaelogical, metereological, geological, incontrovertible proof that we are standing on the edge of the abyss, staring at the demise of our species, a fate we determined for ourselves.






Or not...

In true, ever-redeemable human fashion, the authors of this apocalyptic book give the reader an out. They say, 'come on if this is a decline preceeding our extinction, it's been going on for three million years' and 'these ice ages have happened before and probably will again in the billions of years the earth has left in her life, with or without us, so how could this one be all our fault?'

And this is true. But no matter what's true, we have to live with the fact, that we know these things now, and what little we're doing to try and prevent it is never going to be enough. If the science and the theory is correct, we'll all know within our lifetimes. So are we going to sit back and find out if we win or lose? Or are we going to at least try and make the time we have left (for each of us is constantly racing against their own silent, terminal alarm clock) count for something? Why should we put up with a cretin politician leading us into danger for what? A resource that is, in it's own way helping to bring about the end of mankind?

...

So I reread this. It sounds like an anarchist, uninformed pontification. But I like it. I mean, reading this book really scared me deep down. Down in a place more primal than anything I experience even once in a while. I mean this goes beyond societal convention, beyond civilization itself, beyond even the basis of human interaction. This is about the one thing every human has, every human in history has had: our planet. Our home. Our modest ball of molten rock is a beautiful accident, Our Mother Earth by virtue of nothing more miraculous than a fortuitous happenstance of the right size mass being the right distance from the right size star; made fertile by the ironic incident of a massive massive asteroid smashing into it, forming a crater so large, we now call it the Pacific Ocean, and then miraculously staying with the Earth to become what we know as the moon, a presence which both comforts us on a primal level and makes it possible for life as we know it to continue, by regulating the tides.

Now that's a pretty lucky accident, don't you think?

So why does humankind, in it's infinite arrogance think it has the right to fuck with something like that?

driving with the big boys

my god, I never realized just how much I actually sucked at driving until last night.

You know those stupid coming-of-age movies that almost always have some sort of driving school scene in them? One where the instructor shouts insructions frantically while being bounced around the passenger seat by the manic lurching of the inexpertly handled vehicle? Then the shot cuts to the white-faced teenage driver who knows he's gotten himself in too deep but can't bring himself to just stop the car and admit it? Those scenes almost invariably end in a minor crash of the car (it has to stop somehow, right?) up the side of an embankment, or just before the precipice of a bridge, and the poor shocked driver laying his head down on the wheel in agony, convinced he's going to fail his test worse than any other fail in the history of the automobile.

Well, I'm not going to say I was THAT bad! But my brother's beast of a truck is definitely a touchy vehicle. More forgivijng in that it'll take most of what I could throw at it without stalling, but boy when I did something wrong, me, my brother, and the half-deaf granny walking her dog a block away KNEW IT. It was okay-ish when we were up on the logging roads in the mountain. I was able to get up to a speed where I could change to all gears without encountering any cars to make me panic, and at the ends I had to learn how to turn that monster truck around in tight little forks of the road, Quinn doing most of the steering so that we could actually get it done in less than fifteen minutes, lol! But after I'd been up and down the two mile long logging road about four times, and was shifting up with a minimum of trouble, if not shifting down quite as well, Quinn looked at me the same look he gave me on my first driving lesson and said, "wanna try on the road?" Unlike the first time, I responded with a vehement, "not a chance!" and he said, "too bad. Put it in first and roll forward. Flip your turn signal on." I of course had no choice but to do as he said, the fucker.

Thus began the worst driving experience I've ever had! We're talking shifting down into first instead of third, we're talking steering into oncoming lanes when attempting to shift down, we're talking pressing the clutch AND the throttle when shifting at all! I span that poor trucks tires out at every intersection! And at every intersection there was at least one pedestrian left to simply gawk absolutely flabbergasted at this most terrible of drivers, the worst of the driving school movie scenes come to life before their eyes. Before the end I was screaming all the way every intersection and Quinn was laughing so hard through his instructions I'm pretty sure he peed himse;lf, but I didn't take my eyes off the road long enough to check.

I think I can say with some certainty that I'll have an easier time with Llowyn's mom's hatchback, the only other standard I've had significant experience with.

:(

On lethargy and global warming

Lethargy is such a bitch! I just can't get anything done lately! Anytime I go out, it's always to spend more money, and I'm SICK of it! I need headshots. But everyday, all I can think about is how much time left (be it hours or days) before I have to go back to work. Doing a show is never like this. I only have to look ahead to the next thing I have to do. If I'm at rehearsal, I'm thinking about how much time I have before my next shift. If I'm at work, it's how much sleep will I get before my next rehearsal. I should never have a choice about wether I will do something or not, because if I allow myself to consider to doing something other than what I know I should do, I won't do it.

I'm going to buy a digital camera. I need one, both to avoid pro costs for my headshots, and because life is easier and awesomer and recordable with a digicam around. A couple nights ago, I lost the opportunity of getting a picture of Ace trying to get into his car without touching the ground forever just because I forgot my phone at home. I also need to call Burton about the youth company, and Kayte about lessons. I need her to help me work up a monologue. At least now that I've worked my way through the ridiculous amount of new DVD's and books I've bought, I'm bored most of the time so I might as well look through my plays for a good monologue. Generals are in just a couple months. Enough time if I start now, but I cannot afford to put this one off. I MUST be at these generals, which means resume's, headshots, and monologues. I must do everything I possibly can to get Angela Ashton. If I procrastinate this one to shit like I do everything else, I might as well get used to Timmies because I obviously don't have what it takes.

Anyways, my bro is out of the shower, which means DRIVING time! Tonight I start on the big stuff! If you are planning to be on the road tonight CHANGE YOUR PLANS because I am driving my brother's beast of a standard, which is both massive AND standard transmission, and discovered the taste of blood a couple weeks ago, when the tires jumped fourbying, and snapped my brother's finger in the steering wheel. Look out world! Alleah has graduated to killer 4 by 4's!

I'm thinking of organizing a communal garage sale with my rbother and sister. That way I can get rid of my stupid shit I have lying around.

thanks for the wisdom, Dr. Nonconformist

who knew it would take over a month to get within thirty six posts of fivehundredthupdate? I know I know I haven't been online in forever...in fact in just over the month and a half I've been living in my new place!!! Which rocks0rs more hardcore than anyone can imagine! I love it, it's the perfect place!

Work is okay, I'm doing four shifts a week now. It is more brutal than it should be considering the fact that I'm still technically part-time... my sleep schedule has now lockd itself into an unbreakable patterns of midnight to noon days, and afternoon nights, causing havoc and mayhem with my personal relationships. I am not a flake, I am just night shift! Hopefully, in July when I don't have to babysit my neice and nephew anymore, I'll be able to break this stupid cycle, cause it is le suck. I miss everyone so much! Last night I mished to my work at two AM cause Dan was the only one I knew who was definitely awake. That turned into a drunken and high night with Davies and Devin after they tracked me down at home after Tim's. We drank a litle at my place and then mished to sevvie, and then to McDonald's who rejected us like the grease-coated scum that they are, and then to Burger King. It was aroun five by the time Devin cut out to crash, and Davies walked back to his car at my place with me, debating the politics of global warming with me the whole way (scary shit! watch An Inconvenient Truth with Al Gore; it will scare the piss out of you).

So. That's my life. Pretty freakin boring. I've been reading a lot and buying DVD's on my days off. Hangin out with Ace. Once in a while I'll see someon else, but not often. I'm super sick of the grind...I need to get out of this town for a week. I need Florida, or Vancouver, or ANYTHING! I'm so sick of everyday crap. The spat I got into with one of the supervisors over respect, babysitting four days out of seven, and working every other day of the week, plus one more, just to fuck my system over even more. I haven't had a whole day off since before I moved from AKA house. I need a vacation so badly at this point.

Anyways, I'm just a whiny bastard. I really need to focus on more important things like my head shots and getting ready for generals, and everything else that could possibly make me more happy. Enough talk. I'm ready to go do something. I'll post again when I get internet. Hopefully sooner, rather than later. BIG HEARTS!

I hope that you like it in your little motel/ and I hope that the suite sleeps and suits you well

That's what I'm waiting for aren't I? That's what I'm waiting for darlin...

Modest Mouse, We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank. Buy it. Or rip my copy. I don't care; everyone must own a copy of this cd cause it's the shiz-nit!

So I've moved into my "little motel"! I love it SO VERY MUCH! I finally bought a new bed, and my extensive toiletries collection (lol) has had space to spread and be comfy among it's own kind! I have a CLOSET again! And I'm not even missing having a microwave all that much. I'm looking at it as a challenge to learn how to cook, finally! And someone who lives by me has wireless, so I've pretty much been using their's, lol! YAY no cable bill! All my stuff looks so happy and homey here! I really really think that it's good for me to live on my own. I mean, it's financially scary, but I know I can make it work. I've made higher rent than this before, with a lot bigger hydro bill.

Having this much money all at once is absolutely terrifying. I don't feel financially stable at all; I feel like I'm living above my means most of the time, and I probably am. On my next check, I'm going to cash it, and only use money I've made at work, or acting. I'm terrified that my money will run out, and I'll discover that my rent really is too much. And I've made my last excusable large purchase (my bed) so there's no acceptable reason for me to be spending more than twenty to fifty dollars a day. I'm gonna try and budget that much and see how that pans out. Some days I'll prolly spend more, and others less, but I definitely want to make sure I have a sustainable lifestyle. I think that's the worst thing about my right now.

I told Jesse we should just be friends. I wasn't feeling it with him. I had more butterflies when he wasn't around than when he was, which tells me I'm more in love with the idea of being in love than anything else, at least as far as he's concerned. And it's no fair to him if I don't let him know.

I have some stuff to say to people. The people to which these are directed most likely don't read this blog, so if you do, don't take it personally.

1) I'm very very sorry. I never meant any disrespect. Being a student has never been my strong suit, and I don't think it ever will. Please don't think I wasted your time, because you gave me so much. I'm going to miss seeing you every day, and your class was my favorite. I don't know what else to say. Please don't think I'm asking you to just forget about it, because I know how much I offended you. But I do hope that I can prove to you that I mean to do well in this business, and I use the tools you gave me all the time. I hope that if I work hard enough, I'll be able to get rid of the terrible light you're seeing me in right now.

I do want you to know that for as little regard as I have for school, I treat my work the exact opposite. Whichever show I happen to be doing is always the first thing in my mind, and if it makes you feel better, I'd ditch joe work for a rehearsal as quickly as school. So while I won't ask you to give an opinion of me that you don't have, I will say that through the work I will do, I hope to win back your respect.

2) I am angry at you. You seem to think it's ok to be one way to someone's face, and then say completely different things about them behind their backs. I know the opinion you have of me deep down, and it's hurt my friendship with you. That is if you ever really considered me a friend in the first place. Because in my opinion, friends don't say the kind of things you've said about me, and about other people to me. The world isn't your stage, and you AREN'T the playwright. The things you say hurt, and they will come out eventually. You better be careful what comes out of your mouth, or you'll end up hurting someone who won't forgive you. Someone you care about more than you'll ever care about me.

3) You treated me like an object. You thought I was available and up for anything, and that you'd look like the player for saying whatever you wanted about it to whomever you wanted. Well you broke my trust, and that's unforgivable. I should have told you this months ago. I hope I never have to deal with your attitude, your arrogance, your carelessness ever again.

4) Thank god I have you three. I love you guys.

shun the nonbeliever-- shhhuuunnnnn!

on the shore at last after the shipwreck, weeping like a little girl whose mother is waving at her from the deck of the foundering boat

that's where I find myself lately. If not completely healed, then almost there. Thank you, Audrey Niffenegger (get a load of that name, eh?) for summing up so succinctly this feeling I've been trying to attain since her death and only recently have started to find.

The Time Traveller's Wife made me cry exactly three times. The first was at that passage in the title after Clare's mother dies, and she finds a poem written by her emotionally volatile mother to her. The second was at Henry's death. The third was pretty much everything that happens after that. I was in tears for the entire last three chapters of the book! lol! Not even kidding, when I turned the page and started reading the acknowledgements, I cried even harder because it was over. What a pathetic bowl of emotion I am.

The Time Traveller's Wife, by Audrey Niffenegger. If you haven't read it, get on it! It's definitely going on my shelf of favorite books, along with Memoirs of a Geisha, LOTR, and Elizabeth Rex, fo' sho!

I feel slightly Oprah lately. All this home-making and reading bookclub type books, and thinking about babies. What's happening to me? I've grown up a little too much in the past couple months! Of course, the baby talk is all because of Child on her Mind, which is going GREAT, btw... I absolutely love working with Kayte! What a ball of lightning! She's got an amazing energy, and her method is absolutely brilliant. I told her I wanted her to publish a book on her method, because it is so amazing, and nearly made her cry! lol! However, I have no stamina when it comes to writing, so instead of writing a book, I'll probably end up writing a post on it, cause it is immensely helpful to me as an actor, and I love sharing really good stuff.

I saw her last night, with her partner Zannon (sp?) at the Being Frank premiere, along with almost everyone else I've ever worked with in a professional capacity, lol! I convinced Ace to score me comps, and took Jesse out to dinner at Modern Cafe and then to the show. The show was pretty awesome. I was astounded at Adrian's growth in character since the last time I'd seen him, which is really only to be expected. I couldn't even comprehend who it really was up there half the time. And everyone who knew Frank Ney, affirmed his brilliance in capturing Ney's physical presence perfectly. And a lot of the scenes from the play that I've always lvoed, like the party scene, where all these life events are melding themselves into each other had blown itself into this spectacular, stylised tornado of theatricality. I was pretty tickled by that scene!

And can I just say... Adam Underwood??? OMG, ADAM UNDERWOOD! He was fantastic! I've never met him before, until last night at the reception, and he was one of my favorite parts! His City Council member was hysterical! I seriously snort-laughed through the whole scene! He had this little tongue thing that he did, and he couldn't stop grabbing his wig, but it just made it look like he was trying to arrange a difficult toupe! Pure brilliance. I guess Jesse knew him from Romeo + Juliet on Saltspring, so I got to meet him and talk to him afterwards.

And of course, I nearly squealed when I saw Ky and Maddie up there on the running crew, lol! GJ, you two, I was highly aroused by your pirate-y attire! lol!

And of course, there were the usual others there, Ace, Michelle, Robin and Melissa, Manda Chelmak, Garry Davey, Michael Armstrong. Ky and Maddie were at the reception, and Lee was tending bar. Burton was home sick. I got tired of rubbing elbows pretty quick, and wanted to leave around eleven. I don't know, I understand schmoozing is important in this business, but God, it's exhausting. I felt so self-conscious, which was ridiculous. The boots were a bad choice. I'm never wearing heels over three inches to something like that again...it's just not a good idea.

Anyways, this weekend brings a couple rehearsals, a few shifts at that place that pays me, and Moving Day Prt II! Woohoo!!! This time next week, I'll be on my own again! Thank god... However it also brings stuff like decision-making, bad-feeling, and pure exhaustion. Saturday night through Monday morning will be sleepless, once again. I really do wish I could stop these weekly stay-awake marathons... but they are necessary for a little while longer. Hopefully soon, Kayte will start on scene work, and I won't be called on Sundays anymore.

Anyhoo, so that's where I am. Even though, it's rainy and gross today, you all should do me a favour and find something beautiful today. Then write about it in your blogs, or drop a comment about it here, whatever. Just do that for me. Find something beautiful and dwell on it for a while.

current mood: the cheerier side of melancholy.

i like to match, ja!

I saw the cutest old ladies today...they were waiting at a bus stop with me, and they were practically identical! They were both short, skinny, with cotton candy white hair and Germanic accents, orthopedic shoes, pristine windbreakers, and matching coke-bottle glasses. One was smoking and mentioned the other lady's jacket, and she replied it was twenty years old, and when the smoking one complimented her on how her turtleneck matched her jacket so well, the second replied, "Vell, I like to match, ja!" in the cutest little tone... Then the matching one asked the smoking one, "How long you smoke?" pointing to the cigarette she'd lit up after sitting down next to me and my ubiquitous cancer stick. The smoking one replied to the matching one, "I haf been quitting for many years, but I start again maybe ten years ago...but I only smoke two or three...or MAYBE four if I haf company--and NEFER in the house. There big sign in my kitchen, saying no smoking, so they know not to smoke in the house." It was a reality check... that's going to be me eventually. But it definitely made me smile!

So, I got tenants insurance today. Good rates, I guess...I'm covered for pretty much anything that could ever happen to me for way more than my stuff is actually worth! And it's pretty affordable. Less than twentyfive dollars a month. So one day this week, I'll stop by my new place and sign the lease. After that, I have to call BC Hydro and get the hydro switched to my name. After that, I'm laughing. :) I want to move in before the twentyninth, just because I work the night before and the night after that day and I have a rehearsal that day, and I'm just not strong enough to stay up that long. I've learned that about myself after the past weekend.

I did not sleep nearly enought his weekend. From Friday morning until Monday morning, I maxed out at eleven hours of sleep. And all of it was broken... why? A) kids. B) rehearsal. It's impossible to take care of myself in this house. I HATE it! But I have less than a week before I'll have my own space again. Life will be ok again.

I'm pretty excited about Florida! There's a lot of things that have to happen before I go, mostly financially, just to make sure I'll be ok after the trip is over. Stuff like paying off a few months rent at once, putting away some money, and convincing Mitch to give me full time after I get back. I did a budget plan a couple nights ago at work, and with five shifts a week at my current wage, I'll have enough to cover all my bills that I have now, and some that I don't have, with quite a lot of money left over. And now, because I am bored, having completely packed myself for Moving Day Pt II, I shall post my super-fancy budget!

five eight-hour shifts per week = roughly $1480 per month before taxes.

1480
- 50 (taxes)

1430
- 625 (rent)

825
-200 (hydro, cable, phone)

625
-100 (student loan payment)

525
- 25 (rental insurance)

500
- 50 (groceries)

450
- 50 (transfer to GIC savings account)

400. And that's it. Unless I get a car, in which I could bet on around $150 for insurance and maybe another $50 for gas. That still leaves me $200 for whatever money. And that's also before settlement money is factored in, and before whatever I make acting this summer. Not a shabby living, I tell you what!

So yeah, I'm pretty jazzed all over the place. I think, to celebrate, I shall buy a new bed. :)

sunshowers

That's a perfect description of a Van Isle spring day, I think. Sun-rain-cloud-freezing rain-cloud-sun-and maybe some snow just for good measure. :) A sun shower is that windy cold rain coming out of monolithic clouds with sun poking out beyond every pillow-y spire. Don't forget to look for the rainbows! If I'm with you when you see it, I'll claim I made it for you. And you better like it!

I am in a FANTASTIC mood! The past three days have been absolutely great! On Wednesday, Jesse picked me up at my house and we went to James Street Billiards to shoot pool. On our way from where he parked to the pool hall, we were assaulted with the traumatic sight of an "intimate transaction" between two crackheads! lol! Jesse called it the 'magic corner' for the rest of the night...

So aside from that psychologically scarring event, the night went incredibly well! I won a game, he won a game, we had a couple drinks there and talked for a long time about everything... Then we stopped in at the Cambie for a a drink and listened to some cover bands. Watched an overly energetic lead singer who's never heard of enunciation knock over his mic stand and I honestly couldn't help but laugh. I know, I'm a terrible person! Then we headed to 70, and sang some kareoke and he protected me from the evil cold coming in from the open door. Some other stuff happened... :)

He took me home and we made plans to go out the next day, which made me retardedly excited, lol! And then yesterday was just about the most exciting day of all! I woke up early to get to my hair appointment at ten, which turned me into a princess! Well, maybe not a princess, but DAMN my hair turned out well! I got the red taken out of the base and had some blond streaks put in, as well as getting a trim. It looks damn fine, now. After that, I headed home where Brianna called me and we went out for ice cream, which we ate with Frank J Ney on his rock. He has now heard some secrets that shall never be repeated so do me a favour and don't bind him and torture him for information, k? It was a case of wrong place, wrong time for poor Frank J Ney. I bought her a pretty headband for Coachella and one for myself as well! Then I went home and read a little before Jesse gave me a call. I was able to get ready, clean the whole kitchen AND do dishes before he picked me up, which made me pretty happy.

And the BEST part was, while I was waiting, I got a call from the transglobe offices (management company for the apartments I applied to) and my application was APPROVED!!! I move into my new place on the twentyninth! I have to research Zorkon insurance though, and get signed up for tenant insurance, so... and then when that's done, I bring my first months rent and the papers to the office, sign a lease, and I'm DONE! I'm going to live on Rosehill. I'm like a five minute walk to Brianna's through Bowen Park, and a ten minute walk from my work and I can hear the waterfall in Bowen Park from my bedroom window! So to celebrate, me and Sherayna went shopping for household things today! I am now the proud owner of a brand-new coffee pot, toaster, water kettle, dish set, pitcher-and-tumbler set and a broom! I also got-- A COOKIE TRAY! I shall bake cookies as soon as I move in! :)

Unfortunately my next few weeks are going to be so crazy busy that I can't go camping anymore. A Child on her Mind starts Sunday (IF Catherine can replace the lady who dropped out--urg) and since Dan got suspended for smoking pot at work I have to take on most of his extra shifts, which means my life is going to suck a little bit. But that's ok, it means I can earn back a little more of the money I've been frivolously spending. Definitely time to start my budget. *sigh* Oh well, my lately rocks way too much for THAT to be a problem! :P

the real life

hmmm...may or may not get approved for a place pretty soon...I just need to give them my damage deposit (why they want a damage deposit BEFORE I get the place, I'll never know), and get tenants insurance. THAT'S gonna be a big pile o' poo...I don't wanna deal with silly renter's insurance. It's not like my stuff is worht anything other than sentimental value anyway...

So I bought this book the other day which was massively entertaining, especially considering the circumstances in my life right now... it's called Roommates, and it's about this college graduate, mystery novel writer, who's had a couple books published but isn't exactly massively successful, and the roommates she goes through on the way to home ownership. Holy crap I identified with her so much! And then of course there's things like her love life (Max, a guitar sales shop owner, who I wish was real cause I want to marry him), and whatnot, and while I really identified with the place this girl was at in her life (which actually made me feel a little better about my life, considering she was twenty six and I'm nineteen), it also made me wonder if those foofy girly books that suburban housewives read in their book clubs are actually based in real life...

Like, for instance, they always have really colourful characters who are complete weirdos, but have no idea... like Justine the chain-smoking, boyfriend-obsessed neat freak who Elise lives with first. She turns out to be a complete psycho bitch, and has no clue. Do these people really exist? Is there such thing in the real world as 'completely normal' and 'character roles'? Nothing I've ever known is particularly similar to the way the world is portrayed in this book, which is silly because it's a book I can mostly identify with.

And the really scary thing is, if you were Justine, the chain-smoking, boyfriend-controlling, neat freak weirdo, when you read Roommates, would you recognize yourself? If I was Justine, the blah-blah-blah-you-get-the-picture, how would I tell?

I don't know, I'm just weird, and like to think that every book has a little reality in it, and funny enough I find it's harder to find the reality in chick books like Roommates than it is in something utterly ridiculous, like Star Wars or something... does anyone else ever feel like that?

Top Ten Things NOT to Do in Pinto's Drive Thru

*inspired by real events *

1) DRIVE UP: If you haven't been past the speaker, you aren't getting served. Plain and simple. Knock on the window, honk, work yourself up into a rightous wrath all you want. I won't serve people who don't know how to use a drive thru. And don't give me that poo about not knowing how to get to the speaker; there are signs every where! And making a cursory pass through the speaker and driving to the window is still a drive up, and I will still ignore you as long as possible (which means until another customer comes and I have to get rid of you in order to serve THEM).

2) Order at the window: this is one of the main reasons why I won't serve drive ups. When you order at the window, unless it's a forgotten coffee, or an extra donut, it puts me back twenty to thirty seconds, and believe me that matters to some customers. I am dead sick and tired of getting yelled at for taking too long, when the shithead customer just previous decided they needed two large sandwiches and a chili with garlic toast between the speaker and the window. Not only that, but a customer who orders at the window is twice as likely to watch the way you prepare their food and complain about it. NO ONE has a right to do that, unless it was an already specified special that I forgot. Which brings me to number three...

3) Ask for food modifications while it's being made: this means asking for more bacon, or no tomato, or to have cream cheese on both sides of your bagel while you're waiting for it at sandwich bar. For starters, many of those mods cost money, and if you're too stupid to ask for your mods at the till, where you're supposed to, I won't feel like giving you a freebie on them. Why? Because I'm an ornery bitch, and I don't give a fuck about you, or your stupid craving for Tim Hortons at three in the morning.

4) Be a crackhead. Ever. I'm sorry, but I hate crackheads. Or methheads, or whatever other drug you happen to be on. If you're on an illegal substance that I personally don't do, I will refuse to serve you on the slightest excuse. That means the first swear word out of your mouth, I'm throwing you out. You fall asleep at a table, I'm throwing you out. You fall down, I'm throwing you out. Call me heartless, but I didn't addict you to crack, and I don't have to deal with it. Why am I so against serving people on drugs? Because aside from the obvious (they're usually smelly homeless people, and act funny causing lots of awkwardness for me as I serve you, not to mention the fact that most of the female crackheads I serve either just gave a blow job for money, or are about to give a blow job for money. You don't know awkward until you're outside your store at four in the morning having a smoke, and you see a prosititute getting into a car, and a minute later they come through your drive thru. THAT'S awkward!)... besides from all that they usually get a huge order of donuts and timbits and ice capps and cappacinos, and they all have ridiculous modifications, and if you don't have the kind of donuts they want, they full out freak out at you, and then you have to throw them out anyways, so it's just not the effort. So no crackheads.

5) hit on me if you are one of the following: an old man, a taxi driver, a crack head, or have no teeth. It's gross. And I will immediately ask Dan to sabatoge your food. Just kidding! But I will look at you like you're crazy, and I don't really want to crush your egos, so just don't hit on me at work and we'll get along fine.

6) Be a quiet talker: If you're in the passenger seat, either don't order, or be prepared to yell. If you're one of those fanatically quiet people, step outside your comfort zone, or be prepared to get your order made wrong. Because if I have to ask you fifteen times to verify your order, I'll probably still fuck something up, and you just have to get used to that. And for God's sake if you drive a deisel truck, or ANY kind of loud vehicle...even if your belt is a little loose and there's a squeak, SHUT YOUR GODDAMN ENGINE OFF!!!!!

7) Have an order bigger than three sandwiches without calling ahead: If I have to make five to ten sandwiches, Ice Capps, Chilis, or bagels, then I will not be happy with you. Orders like that MUST be phoned in ahead of time. I don't care if it's your birthday and you're at the bar with ten friends. The MINUTE you decide to get Timmies, if there's going to be more than three sandwiches on one order you HAVE to phone ahead, or Alleah will be le pissed.

8) Expect to get a large order quickly, especially in the early morning. After five, I'm alone, and the lobby's open. Which means there's three stations I'm manning by myself. I can't cash out the guy ahead of you, serve the guy at front his coffee, and make your four breakfast sandwiches at the same time. So get over it. Before you express ANY pissiness whatsoever to ME, take a look inside. If there's a long line at front, and a long line at drive thru, then take your wait with a grain of salt.

9) Have a bodily function: no peeing, no bowel movements, no puking. Any one of which will get you banned from service. Sounds kind of elementary, but until you've seen a walk-up bar rush, just trust me. This can be an issue.

10) Be rude: This can be as simple as your attitude. I will forgive almost any of the above nine rules being broken if you are polite about it. If you fuck up and forget to order a sandwich before you leave the speaker, apologize when you order at the window. I will feel better, and probably return the politeness. There are so many customers that I absolutely refuse to serve anymore because they are so rude to me every day. Whenever I serve them they are mean and pissy and while they don't do anything that could get them banned, they stress me out more than anything I've mentioned so far. These are the people I am looking for excuses to ban.

I hope these are helpful. This peice of writing could save you from spit in your burger. So read it, and REMEMBER IT. And the next time you get pissed off about your fast food, take a chill pill and remember: you could live in Ethiopia, fuckers.





Anyways...lol! I've learned something about myself from working here at Tim Horton's. I am not a nice person. At all. I honestly don't care about people. I don't care enough to give you your food for free because you can't afford it. In my head, I'm thinking, "go home and cook your own goddamn food if you can't afford it." Yesterday morning, I'd just got off and was sitting at a picnic table with my coffee and my smoke and a guy came up to me and asked to bum a smoke. I told him it was my last. I lied, just to get him to go away. He told me he'd just got out of prison. A better person would have taken into account the fact that after however long he'd been there, he probably had no money, no job, no home, but all that went through MY head was, "ew, a convict." It's enough to make me really dislike myself. I would love to be a caring, generous person, but I'm not. I know I'm not. At least not to people who aren't my friends. When someone I don't know asks for a handout, (known in kinder circles as 'charity'), all I feel is overwhelming anger towards them. "you, a middle aged, crack-addicted homeless man who is too high to help himself, expect ME a nineteen year old girl with no resources to support YOUR nicotine habit for pity? FUCK OFF" that's what goes through my head. And I feel bad afterwards, but at the same time, it makes me so very very angry. That would be a flaw in myself, I think.

has FWP been boycotted??? (45 posts to go)

my blog is a very quiet place of late... leads me to a lot of conclusions, most of which are probably biased by my occasionally terrible self-esteem.

1) my recent absence from school has caused all of you to forget who I am, why I'm important to you, and that I have a blog at all. (which is a little over the top, so it can't quite be it)

2) You all hate me, and don't care about what I write anymore. (which is emo, and silly because even people who hated drama-causing ex-bloggers still read what they had to say)

or

3) I'm boring. FWP is filled with too much talk about Pinto, and not enough about not-Pinto.

I somehow have a feeling it's the third one. So since my day-to-days are often boring, and negative, I shall do something else.

I was reading on Lisa's blog today, and she wondered about people who seem to have it all together. I just cannot believe in those people. I mean, Western civilization has created such a hectic, stress-filled, complicated lifestyle that you would have to be a robot to keep everythng running perfectly. Most people have to be superman just to keep things running smoothly. I personally think it's absolutely impossible to be happy in every area of your life all, most or even some of the time. Well, outside of household cleaner commercials, and the endings of family movies, anyway.

(half an hour, a lot of math, and some perusal of global statistics later)

FACT: did you know that there are 12.8 people to every square kilometre of this earth? But--by next week, it'll be something like 20 people per square kilometre. By the time this century is half over, the earth's population is projected to have swollen to 7, 708, 260, 509, 000. That's seven trillion, seven-hundred-and-eight billion, two-hundred-and-sixty million, five-hundred-and-nine thousand people. That means more than 15 112 people per square kilometre. You can't fit fifteen thousand people in one square kilometre. Can you imagine the responsibility our generation holds? We (YOU AND ME) must find a way to support more people than stars in the sky on the average west coast night, or...witness natural selection in action. There is no way this population growth will actually happen, not without some significant technological advances. And NOT in the medical field, either. People actually NEED to start dying.

Can you imagine, the strain on the earth's already dwindling resources, with a global population that has multiplied exponentially? Our oil is already running out, where are we going to get more to keep our cities running? We've built vast metropolises, that depend on irreplaceable substances, and when oil runs out, how are we going to transport food from agricultural centres to feed those teeming masses of helpless people? How are we going to feed a grossly obese population, when the rich will hoard what they have, and make up new and financially-debilitating laws just to keep things the way they are? To be poor, will be a death sentence. The middle class will be a thing of the past. And what will happen as an effect of things I don't even understand yet? What if the stock market crashes again, and money is just something to light a fire with? What will the currency be then? Food? Drugs? Are we about to witness the fall of the capitalist era? If you could look forward to a hundred years from now, will we be nothing more than suspicious, narcotic-addled apes hunched over like animals amid the wreckage? Will we come full-circle, and lose the intelligience that took us millenia to attain in just a couple of centuries?

It's almost enough to make you find God. And even then, the situation is pretty bleak. All these numbers made me remember something my gramma taught me about Jehovah's Witnesses. They believe that when the Apocalypse comes, only 35 000 people will be chosen to go to heaven, and they'll all be JW's. 35 000. Next to almost 8 trillion. Hell will be a busy place.

Many Biblical events have been explained by science, such as the Ten Plagues released on Egypt, and the Flood, destroying the faiths of many people. Kinda makes you sad to know that in less than fifty years there's going to be a LOT of people dying, when the possibility of an after life is on the hitlist of scientists everywhere. There's no easy way out here. We are racing towards a future that A) is economically and ecologically impossible, or B) holds a devastating fate in store for human kind.

Now you guys know why I stick to reviewing my day. It's less depressing that way.

urg, too little sleep (46 to go)

THREE THINGS THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:

1.Alleah
2.Pinto
3.Keibler Elf (@ work) ("my house burned down when I was sixteen." "that's what you get for baking cookies in trees!!!")

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:

1. they're always Pinto: something. always have been.

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:

1.My ambition
2.My nature
3.My physical appearance

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:

1.my temper
2. my lack of driving skillz
3. my bum

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:

1.Russian
2.French
3. Iroqouis

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:

1.Spiders
2. Falling out of a plane (but mostly hitting the ground)
3. Natural disaster

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:

1.Coffee
2.cigarettes
3. clothing

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:

1.housecoat
2.white shorts
3. white tank

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS (or artists) at this moment:

1.OMG MODEST MOUSE *hearts hearts hearts*
2. The Killers
3. Play Radio Play

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT: (all are off Modest Mouse's new album)

1. Dashboard
2. Missed the Boat
3. We've Got Everything
...and because I can't choose, 4. Little Motel

...

...Spitting Venom is pretty sweet too! sorry! I'll go now...

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:

1. one of those awesome kink boxes from La Senza... kinda missing one essential ingredient, though--boyfriend. :(
2. salvia
3. taking a long trip by myself. (like to Florida! probably this summer)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):

1. laughter
2. passion
3. commitment

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (you figure out which is which)

1. I can't find most of the scars I KNOW I've gotten in my life.
2. I've only met my sister once in my whole life.
3. I can't stop buying CD's.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:

1. sense of humour
2. personal appearance
3. strong hands

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:

1. eat mushrooms. of any variety.
2. serve taxi drivers who think it's funny to switch bad accents everytime they order at drivethru.
3. even smell Malibu coconut rum without instant nausea, let alone drink it.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:

1. reading
2. pretending to be artsy
3. shopping!!

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:

1. move into my own place again!
2. have relationship sex
3. sleep

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:

1. Acting
2. Acting
3. Acting

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:

1. Florida (SUMMER, BABY!)
2. Greece
3. Hawaii

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:

1. get an award for acting.
2. learn a different language by living there
3. own a horse


(answer to the lie question: #3 is the lie.)

home search (47 to go)

I dislike searching for apartments. In fact, it kind of sucks h-core. However, once in a while, while house-hunting, you come across someone who just kind of makes your day--even if you don't get the place.

I called a number about a one bedroom suite in the college heights area. Sweet deal, it was, furnished, with ocean and city views, $600, all inclusive, and didn't say word one about smokers or pets. However, when I called the guy, I found out it was taken, via some crazy dude with a crazy accent. But then, he asked, in his foreign kinda way, "how much money you pay?" I'm assuming he meant what I was WILLING to pay, so I told him "my limit is somewhere around $400 -$600, but I'm willing to go up to $700, if it's all-inclusive" (I'm not, but there's no harm in bargaining). It would have to be a pretty sweet place before I'd go up to $700...but hey, if it's sustainable! And if theatre work is slow, I don't really mind getting a second part time job to keep the bills paid.

Anyways, after I said that, he said, "well I have your number-RA here, so I call you back-ka when we have-a something...we no have houses right now, butTUH, if anything else comesup-PA, we call you back, ok?" And I went oh, that's great, I'm an easy sell, young, working, no pets, I don't have too many needs other than utilities included, and he went, "oh, sure sure, we find you something--I give-a you a call" and I went "great!" And he went "sure sure" and we hung up. And then I started visualizing Jilly in Power as a foriegn crack whore...that would have entertained me muchly! :)

so cosmo (48 posts to go!)

I've been lazy. Sorry...

Last night after school, me and Gregoire went to his place, where I learned all I'd ever need to know about getting high. :) Good times! Brianna agreed to go pipe shopping with me, that (like Vancouver, and other stuff) still has to happen. So me and Gregoire got stoned and recorded ourselves talking (read: him talking and me laughing), and then went to hitchhiker's after a ridiculously awkward dinner with his dad and uncle where his dad accused me of being high and I coldn't figure out what to say!

Hitchhiker's was hilarious! So proud of all of you! *think of all the possibilities down has to offer!* After that, Jesse took me home to get slightly-less-ugly (couldn't Put on my pretty dress, cause I have no pretty shoes), and then we went to Levis' house, where I watched them play video games. Pretty mellow...I was still slightly baked. Then we headed down to 70, where we sang, drank booze, and partied in a general sort of way before the girls got there. Amber, Steph and Donna showed up, and we started singing and dancing and boozing it up like a normal kareoke night. Things happened. Hitler (a bum regular from my work who got banned for peeing himself too many times) gave Donna bush. LOL! Seriously, he went across the street and picked a coupole of branches from this bush with red berries on them and gave them to Donna! We threw the berries at each other. Especially when Amber and Tom started being poos.

Afterwards, Jesse took me home, where we made plans for next week (don't get your hopes up, Amber!). I'm going to see the next two Hitchhiker's episodes, and then I'll go do something with Jesse. It'll be fun.

Anyways, tonight is girl's night at the Katz with Brianna, Laura and Barb, and I need shoes to wear with my pretty imported dress, so I should go do that. ttyal!

countdown to 500 posts! 49 to go!

*sigh* finally moved. I live with my sister now on Meredith Road...now THAT is interesting. I just got through the most tiring seven days of my life...

Sunday: after work in the morning, me and the bro walked around Maffeo Sutton, cause it was just too pretty not to. After that, I went to the Child on her Mind audition...pretty sure I already told you about that. Anyways, she called me back the next day, and I got the part. I really should start learning my lines for that... hmmm. After the audition, I had a rehearsal for Other Shoe. That was so brilliant. I loved everyone in that! Anyhoo, I got home at around six thirty. At that point I'd been up for thirty one hours. That was THE SUCK! Monday, I got up, went to school, went to the next rehearsal, and packed. Next day same thing.

Wednesday, I had to miss school, for the rehearsal, and reading of Other Shoe. I could have gone to theatre history, but I didn't think I'd have enough time in between rehearsal and call to go home and get ready and get back, and it turns out I really REALLY didn't. After rehearsal, me and Ace went to go get extra props, and got something to eat. We only had a half hour in between so we really had to hustle...definitely no time to get ready. We did the show which was a big success, every one loved it! These three shows of Michael's are going to be big hits! And this one is part of next season, which Burton already asked me to help with, so I'll be involved when it comes out onstage, or backstage, whichever happens! :) SO excited! After the show, I helped Ace with the load out, and after that we had drinks up in the restaurant. The show was in the basement of the ACME of course. Got home around midnight, went straight to bed.

Sherayna woke me up the next day at ten thirty-- MOVING day. She said, "we're almost done, we'll be there in an hour and a half. Be ready" and I went SHIT! So I fin ished packing in a hurry...probably four or five boxes left to do. Sherayna and Ken and Gramma got there a little while later and we loaded my stuff into the van. We got everything but my dresser and bed the first round. After that, we drove to Quinn's house and put most of my stuff into storage in his basement. Then we got lunch, and drove to Sherayna's new house. We ate lunch while waiting for the ex-tenants to come by with the key, and when they got there, we finished unloading the truck...the twenty-six foot moving truck, filled to the fucking brim with Sherayna's heavy-ass boxes! GODDAMN it sucked! I have never been so friggin tired. Thank god, I was exempted from the rest of her move (two vanloads, and cleaning) because of work the next day.

Friday, I was supposed to rest a little before work, and I did get a couple naps in, but Sherayna's kids woke me up at quarter after eight which SUCKED! I don't really remember what I did all day, but it sure wasn't restful! Anyways, go to work, super h-x-core lame. I got this guy banned from the store, who gave me hell a couple weeks ago, and has been back every week since talking trash about me to whoever served him. He came back, and accused me of saying I was going to spit in his food to Dan, and he gave the guy one look and said, "you can find another store. You're not getting served here again." Fuckin rights, BITCH! Got home to Sherayna's new place, went to bed.

Woke up--three hours later. Guess why? Yelled at kids, went back to bed. Woke up--one hour later. By that time, the whole family was over, eating chicken. And when I say the whole family...I mean the WHOLE family. Gramma, Grampa, Ken, Courtney, Quinn, Court's nephew Jase, and all four kids. So I said, fuck it, and got up and ate some chicken. Court, Gramma, and Sherayn a took off to finish cleaning the new house leaving the men in charge of the kids. BAD IDEA... I went to bed, and ended up getting up twice in one hour to tell them to stop hitting each other with sticks (LITERALY!). After that I got up to yell at the men for letting the kids run wild. I got another three hours of sleep after that, thank god.

Went to work, work sucked. Sherayna works Sundays, so the kids were gone to the babysitters by the time I got home, thank god. I got in a good six hours before I got up to go see an apartment. I want this place SOOOOO bad! It's so great! $550, all inclusive with laundry AND dishwasher! They're renovating, so it'll look great. Hopefully I'll get a call back by tomorrow about it. They said they'd let me know one way or another. Earliest I can move in is April 15th, so we'll see... Either way, I'm here for at least two weeks. boo! Oh well, Court said I can crash at her place anytime I need to, and Saturday/Sundays might be when I need to! Stayed up, went shopping for Court's birthday. While I was out, I bought two dresses and a skirt at this cute place on Commercial; they're FABULOUS! They're from England, and for designer clothes, they were SO cheap! I spent just over two hundred dollars, and they are AMAZING! One's this beautiful silver dress, with a Chinese-inspired cut and pretty black and silver flower decals. Then there's a black A-line skirt with pretty ribbons on it, and this adorable egg plant minidress (can double as a long tank top), and a beautiful flowy silver and egg plant knit thing that goes overtop...SO PRETTY!!! OMG, love. The lady knocked ten dollars off cause she couldn't believe I was buying all three! lol! I couldn't help it, they were TOO perfect.

Went to work, work sucked. Yesterday I got home, tried to stay up for class...fell asleep at ten. Slept until ten this morning, so I must have been tired. Considering how much my body obviously needed the sleep, so bad I slept through kids getting home, and going to school, I don't feel so bad about missing school. But I should call Jordan and meet him early to practice for our duologue. Also my research paper is late for theatre history, but now that Sherayna has internet, I can probably get it done by Monday. Seriously, have I EVER turned a paper in on time? Honestly now!

Also I found out about my settlement! Let's just say...my next few months will be--COMFORTABLE! :D *holds up both hands, palms outward, fingers splayed* I'll let you draw your own conclusions! ;)

So two things on my to-do list DONE! Three if you count work for the next while. I'm doing Catherine's show and then probably Mort's show, and Burton's youth company, hopefully, and then Theatre One's next season.

Remaining: 1) get a place. NOW!

2) do your goddamn school work! You only have about three weeks left, and you want a good GPA to brag about.

3) finsih your motherfreakin audition video! That means headshots, monologues, and DECIDING on your freakin songs. That means picking one and KEEPING IT, idiot! Go ask Sharon if you must.

Smaller list, at least! :)

la vie bohemme!

I totally have RENT stuck in my head. boo! thanks, Amber and Kailtyn! *rolls eyes*

Thinks are going pretty good, I guess. In the middle of the new Emerging Voices workshop, The Other Shoe, by Michael Armstrong. I love him! :) I actually really like the script a lot. It's a murder mystery, with Errol Flynn, and a dead (and pregnant) teenage girl, and fifties, film noir, awesomeness! I think it's really fun. It's being directed by Burton Lancaster, and in it as well are Mort Paul (I love him!), and a couple others I don't know well. Drew, the guy who plays Errol Flynn is fabulous! He studied in New York, and we had a good talk today about schools. I think I HAVE to find a really great place to continue my studies. We all know I'm not as good as I like to think I am! lol! Plus Michael Armstrong was telling me to go somewhere good the other day, and Burton made a pointed comment about the NECESSITY of good actors finding a really good school where they will tell you the truth, while staring me down, lol!

We go up on Wednesday, the day of Hitchhiker's second show. I'm really REALLY regreting not auditioning for that. I could have worked around the scheduling conflicts. I COULD have. UGH! I'm going to kick myself for that for a long time...I just threw away my only chance for working with Leon before the end of school. And it's a paying gig, which I'm not going to get another of, until summer. BOO!!!

I got cast in A Child on her Mind, for some women's conference beginning of May. Should be interesting. Bad script, don't know any of the other actors. Mostly doing it because of the director, Catherine Caines. She's big on methods, and I'm counting on her teaching me a lot before this is over... you can study the methods all you want, but you only really learn them in real practice. I think this will definitely help! She was supposed to be in The Other Shoe with me, as well, but she got ill. I'm disappointed, and not the least because I find her replacement a little irritating to work with...but we won't talk about that anymore!

Also, Mort Paul apparently saw me in Urinetown, and thought of me for a role in his new show coming up, Blood Brothers. He told me a little about it tonight, and it's a musical type thing about twin boys separated at birth...should be fascinating! I'm not sure if it's an NTG show, or not, because he mentioned them, but then he was talking about rental fees in the Bailey today, and that confused me. Because an NTGer shouldn't have to worry about renting their own space for a show! But we'll see. The auditions should be in May, right around the time I find out about Burton's youth company. Hopefully I'll be doing two or more shows this summer, and probably at the same time!

So, I'm busy busy busy, as always. I seriously got steaming mad at myself in class today, because I realized I'd slept through a ten AM doctor's appointment that I was supposed to have gone to for my settlement, but come on, give me a break! My yesterday, as such, started at noon on Saturday--AND IT'S MONDAY! for goodness sake... oh well, I'll just have to make it up. boo. This whole settlement thing is stressing me out. I just want to say fuck it, and ask Sandy to just settle for whatever they offer. I don't care anymore. I don't want to squeeze them for all they're worth, I just want to get my money, get it over with, and pay some fucking bills!

So that's where I am. Life is great, but I'm tired. Tired of lots of thing. Tired of boys and their poo, tired of not being able to find a nice happy middle, where I'm doing enough, and still being happy at home, and not bored like there's something I should be doing. Ever since I finished reading LOTR, I've been at ends. And that kind of blows. Tired of thinking months ahead in advance. I'm at that place again, where I've lost spark. I've lost that sense of, life is good. That's what sucks about being single. You can blame losing your mojo on that. When you're attached, and you get that feeling, you know it's all you. Oh well. I'm gonna go play cards with my gramma and sister, at her soon-to-be-ex place.