*hungry*

omg...please god get me through this.

So tomorrow I work at seven, eh? Til three AM. Then I work at seven the next day too. Then the next day, I have q2q and dress tech for U-town from one to five...not such a bad day, considering. The next day, I have my theatre history presentation, our little acting skits go up, then I have a rehearsal from seven to ten, then I work from eleven PM to seven AM. I stay up for Mike's class until twelve thirty, then catch a few Z's in the green room until people get there at seven for U-town. Then I go back to work at eleven til seven the next morning. That night is preview. And then we're in.

What have I got myself into? I'm always pushing myself, but this is ridiculous...can I really do this in the week leading up to opening? I CAN'T get sick. I can't, I can't... I hope Leon and Ross are ok with me missing Wednesday, because I MUST sleep that day. I was going to sleep Tuesday too, but we start masks that day. I might end up missing it anyway...we'll see what kind of shape I'm in. And the only reason I'm working is because ass-bastard Mitch decided that he wouldn't let me have the time off. I tried to book the week off, and he's like, "NO." Straight up, NO, had no sympathy for me at all.

Please guys, if I do miss stagecraft that day, please understand what my next week is going to be like, and please don't harass me about it. I'm going to be extremely stressed out.

lovey lovey to all! I'll see ya on the fourth, lol! Cause that's the next time I'll be truely awake! :P

so thoughtful

So many thought-provoking posts from everyone lately. Every blog feeds my brains with thinking-food. It seems everyone is in a instrospective mood lately. From Jill's Nanaimo bath to Gregoire's mental anatomies, to Davies' family of tenses. Lisa is a tortured artist, Kylan feels the pressure of other people's irritation. I've written a surprising number of (probably excessively) positive comments tonight. (this morning? it's five thirty AM...whatever) I feel so positive towards my friends, and yet...deep down inside, the light is faltering. I'm sad. I don't like it. I don't know how to fix it. I wish I could make a graph of my levels of feeling to explain it to you. Jesus, I wish I could simply find the words...but I can't.

k...I'm going to try....

I'm looking for something, and I only have a vague idea of what it is, and it seems like I'm looking for it in all the wrong places. Should I have a more clear-cut idea of what I want in a guy? And say, this is my criteria, match it or forget it. Or do what I've been doing and be accepting. All that's given me is a lot of cow pie.

I think sad is the wrong way to describe how I am feeling lately. Because I'm not at all. Most of me is pretty darn content with life. I think I'm very unsettled, though. Not unconfident. Not confused. Just not steady. I'm usually so grounded, and centered on what I want, and how to get it. Not now though. Lonliness is certainly a part of it. And not just boy-related. I don't have a clear best friend right now, I don't have a boy, I don't have any close family. Quinn doesn't understand why I feel the way I do. His empathetic usefulness comes and goes, and usually has more to do with Mom than my actual life, and besides, right now, he's concentrating on a wedding. I'm truly foundationless right now, and that's probably a big part of my unsettledness.

All I have are my dreams. Nothing makes my right-now as shiny and beautiful as it should be. Now THAT makes me sad.

Sorry, this was probably depressing, or boring. I needed to ramble my way through my feelings so that I can conquer them. And with no one to hack through it with in private, my feelings get shoved onto all y'all on the internet. And that means, along with listening to my chatter, I need some wisdom. What's my deal? Why am I so needy?

*sigh*

I'm lonely. Not much of an update, but...

well, I don't feel like talkign about how many bars I was late for on my entrance in Snuff that Girl, today in rehearsal, or stupid boys that irk me, or the fact that a fifty year old sent me a shirtless pic today. I'm bored with the grind. I wanna open, or fall in love, or hang out with my best friend, or SOMETHING to get me out of this rut.

And, I'm lonely.

OMG I DID IT!

I've figured it out! I discovered the place I need to get to to cry on cue!

I'm sitting here on the computer, minding my own business. Amber's playing videogames, listening to music on her computer...all of a sudden Mama, by the SPice Girls comes on! All of a sudden, I start remembering things from when I was a kid, and loved the Spice Girls, and went into this emotional place that it used to take me hours of what-ifing to get to, and I BURST into tears! Like, literally, all this took about ten seconds! The song came on, and I went, "Spice Girls, nice" and then I realized what the song was, and literally by the first lyric, I had burst into tears! Amber and I looked at each other at the exact same moment, and I was going to ask her to change it, and she was about to ask if I wanted it changed....! It was CRAZY! I had to write in my acting journal about this right now...

I miss you daylight

I haven't been awake during the daytime since New Years Eve...URG!

um...that's all I really had to say...I miss day light. I miss stores being open when I need to go to them... I miss good coffe. I miss school. I want a boy. I'm tired of being happy. I feel like a petulant child right now, and dammit, I'm going to whine like a little brat for ten lines or so! I was thinking yesterday that I'm an adult now, and all my chances for acting like a kid are all used up now. No one will ever take care of me again. *sigh* It might not seem any different from my circumstances before, but they are to me. Because before, I should have been a kid. Adults look at the number eighteen, and think young...but I was always in such a hurry to grow up, I never really enjoyed being young like that and being taken care of until it was taken away. I've essentially been an adult for a year now, but being nineteen is like, the end of all possiblility of being taken care of.

Now, all I have to look forward to is being an adult, being a mom, bills, and mortgages, and careers...

And that's no fun...

*sigh* I miss you, daylight.