la vie bohemme!

I totally have RENT stuck in my head. boo! thanks, Amber and Kailtyn! *rolls eyes*

Thinks are going pretty good, I guess. In the middle of the new Emerging Voices workshop, The Other Shoe, by Michael Armstrong. I love him! :) I actually really like the script a lot. It's a murder mystery, with Errol Flynn, and a dead (and pregnant) teenage girl, and fifties, film noir, awesomeness! I think it's really fun. It's being directed by Burton Lancaster, and in it as well are Mort Paul (I love him!), and a couple others I don't know well. Drew, the guy who plays Errol Flynn is fabulous! He studied in New York, and we had a good talk today about schools. I think I HAVE to find a really great place to continue my studies. We all know I'm not as good as I like to think I am! lol! Plus Michael Armstrong was telling me to go somewhere good the other day, and Burton made a pointed comment about the NECESSITY of good actors finding a really good school where they will tell you the truth, while staring me down, lol!

We go up on Wednesday, the day of Hitchhiker's second show. I'm really REALLY regreting not auditioning for that. I could have worked around the scheduling conflicts. I COULD have. UGH! I'm going to kick myself for that for a long time...I just threw away my only chance for working with Leon before the end of school. And it's a paying gig, which I'm not going to get another of, until summer. BOO!!!

I got cast in A Child on her Mind, for some women's conference beginning of May. Should be interesting. Bad script, don't know any of the other actors. Mostly doing it because of the director, Catherine Caines. She's big on methods, and I'm counting on her teaching me a lot before this is over... you can study the methods all you want, but you only really learn them in real practice. I think this will definitely help! She was supposed to be in The Other Shoe with me, as well, but she got ill. I'm disappointed, and not the least because I find her replacement a little irritating to work with...but we won't talk about that anymore!

Also, Mort Paul apparently saw me in Urinetown, and thought of me for a role in his new show coming up, Blood Brothers. He told me a little about it tonight, and it's a musical type thing about twin boys separated at birth...should be fascinating! I'm not sure if it's an NTG show, or not, because he mentioned them, but then he was talking about rental fees in the Bailey today, and that confused me. Because an NTGer shouldn't have to worry about renting their own space for a show! But we'll see. The auditions should be in May, right around the time I find out about Burton's youth company. Hopefully I'll be doing two or more shows this summer, and probably at the same time!

So, I'm busy busy busy, as always. I seriously got steaming mad at myself in class today, because I realized I'd slept through a ten AM doctor's appointment that I was supposed to have gone to for my settlement, but come on, give me a break! My yesterday, as such, started at noon on Saturday--AND IT'S MONDAY! for goodness sake... oh well, I'll just have to make it up. boo. This whole settlement thing is stressing me out. I just want to say fuck it, and ask Sandy to just settle for whatever they offer. I don't care anymore. I don't want to squeeze them for all they're worth, I just want to get my money, get it over with, and pay some fucking bills!

So that's where I am. Life is great, but I'm tired. Tired of lots of thing. Tired of boys and their poo, tired of not being able to find a nice happy middle, where I'm doing enough, and still being happy at home, and not bored like there's something I should be doing. Ever since I finished reading LOTR, I've been at ends. And that kind of blows. Tired of thinking months ahead in advance. I'm at that place again, where I've lost spark. I've lost that sense of, life is good. That's what sucks about being single. You can blame losing your mojo on that. When you're attached, and you get that feeling, you know it's all you. Oh well. I'm gonna go play cards with my gramma and sister, at her soon-to-be-ex place.

Things on Alleah's Mind

1) Moving out of AKA

...this time on my own. I've realized something: I need my space. I need my alone time. I absolutely adore living in a house where people feel comfortable enought o walk right in. I love the fact that I wake up in the afternoon and there's five or six people chillin in my living room. But the other stresses are something that I just can't handle anymore. So far, since I last lived on my own, I've been through four roommates (five if you count my bro). I don't like it. I prefer living on my own. I'm sick of the stresses inherent with living with someone who isn't your family. I would rather struggle.

2) How I'm going to pay for a place of my own

The plan is to move in with my sister (oh dear christ) in April until I'm back on my feet. And getting back on my feet means, finding a second, full-time day job before May, and making enough and saving enough for damage deposit and first months rent. I only make under five hundred per month at Tim's. So the search is on. I've got a couple places I know are hiring, and one's part time that pays more, and the other's full-time that pays less, so hopefully, one of those two will work out.

3) Where this place of my own will be

Once I'm securely in a second job, then I'll start looking for another place, probably a bachelor suite, or one bedroom apartment, or basement suite. My price range is from $400 a month (as it stands) to $600 (once I get job #2). Not hard to find. The hard part is getting to a place where I'm confident enough in my finances to escape the sister's. (nothing but love, Sherayna, but you know how I am with kids!)

4) my audition video

There's so much stuff I have to do yet...I still need the music, because I haven't had the time or energy to get together with Gord. We're supposed to do it tonight, but he hasn't called me yet. I still have to get together with Nikki and finish the dance, and pick the music. I still have to practice the shit out of my monologues. And I'm supposed to film on Friday! I don't think I can do that, I am NOT ready enough. I just can't concentrate on it. Something always comes up. LIKE...item number 5.

5) my settlement

So Sandy told me, he was ready to start and to call him, right? I call him, he's in with a client. I talk to his legal secretary and she asks me all these questions about doctor's appointments. She ends up telling em I have to get in to see my doctor ASAP, because I have to settle by May 18th. So now I have a time limit, because of the stu[id statute of limitations! Which means I have to put a shitload of things on hold and concentrate on this for a while. So I have to convince my doctor that seeing me is more important than anything else, call Debbie (the secretary) as soon as I have the date of the appointment, and get checked out for after effects of the accident. I also have to get in touch with Hilary Whelton and Sharon Sinclair and ask them for professional opinions regarding my voice and changes resulting from the accident. I also have to get a pay stub, or some such from Bard or TheatreOne as proof of my gainful employment in the arts, and will probably have to pay one of the ladies for their letter. Where am I going to get the money for that??? All my money until tomorrow is already gone, because of bills and smokes, and I don't know if Sherayna will want me to help pay rent, so I have to save my checks from work. So that's a shitload of shiz-nit I have to think about and think about NOW.

6) schoolwork, graduating, work for the summer

Stuff like, crew hours for Mike, finishing my mask, the next three duologues for Ross, my two essays for Leon. I have an Emerging Voices gig at the end of this month, and after that, I'm a free bird, so I have to find something to do over the summer. I have to call Eliza and see what she has for me, cause she asked if I wanted to be a part of Cats. I never made the Hitchhiker's audition, because I was just feeling so crappy. And past May, I have no idea what I'm doing, or what I should be aiming for...it's like the black hole of my life starting this summer. I'm plan-less, and that BOTHERS me...

7) what the fuck is going on with my body

My sleep schedule is absolutely haywire. Now I'm waking up at five thirty, six AM after crappy sleeps then going to school and falling asleep stupid early. At least I successfully got back on days this week, but then I have to go back to work this weekend and fuck myself up once again. I'm depressed, I'm scared, I'm not eating properly, I'm eating at bizarre times (last night I fell asleep at five thirty PM, woke up at quarter to eleven, ate a bacon-chicken nugget-turkey salad sandwhich and two apples and tried to go back to sleep, and ended up waking up to Quinn's alarm at five thirty, when I got up and started the day. Drank three pots of coffee and bought two coffees at school and with Jackie and Courtney, and that's about it. I don't know what's going on...I'm either starving, but don't want to eat, or I get an urge to cook something in the middle of the night. A week ago, I got up in the middle of the night and made a grilled cheese sandwich. What's wrong with me?

and in other news...

I got my L and money from U-town. $140. It's already gone from bills and smokes. Whoop-de-frickin-doo.

reasons why I like my family

1) This >>> is their idea of a good time. Not sitting catatonic watching the game. Not having stuffy formal dinners, with three sets of forks. But lighting sparklers and standing around feeling so pleased with ourselves about our sparklers. My family rarely has to DO something to be having fun.

2) If I haven't called in a couple days, or haven't been around the house for too long, someone comes hunting... whether it's my bro stopping in for coffee and a chat, or my sister taking me out for coffee and a chat, or just missing my gramma's phone call and listening to her awkward pause-filled message after I phone her back and we talk about who's pregnant, who's uncle-by-marriage just died, or who came out from back east to visit last month for half an hour. Main point: I'm not allowed to drift away from them, and I think that's great!

3) No one is afraid of dogs.

4) My family is all about adventures. Wether we're walking down to the beach to collect stones (down in Sooke), or going up the mountain with a case of beer to go four bying and light a fire and cook hot dogs, my family are all about simle pleasures. And it doesn't take a whole lot to tickle them pink.

5) They're GOOD PEOPLE. Plain, simple good people, who pray at the dinner table on holidays, and welcome other people who don't have real loving families like ours to be a part of us (like Ken). I can't even think about how many of my brother's friends my mom "adopted" over the years, and gave advice to, and helped build their trucks, commandeered when there was firewood to be chopped, or simply shooted the shit over a coffee with. Even the all-night cry fests that helped me and my siblings brow up to be the people we are were extended to my brother's friends who needed it. I think that's one reason why Courtney decided to finally marry Quinn. Our mom brought her into the family a long time ago. A peice of paper and a ring just makes it official.

6) They like to feed me. When they hear about how empty my fridge is, the first thing my sister does, is put together a care package. We all return the favor one way or another. When my pockets are full of student loan money, my sister and her kids and I spend a day together and I buy them all McDonalds (FOUR friggin happy meals, so that each of them gets a toy, lol!). My brother and Courtney absolutely LOVE having bonfires, and picking up hot dogs, and hamburgers, and between us three siblings bringing over packages, there's always more than enough to feed whoever shows up. And don't even talk to me about my gramma, lol! She despises the ethnic foods Sherayna and I like, with their funny spices, and foreign flavors. No, our gramma's table is ALWAYS filled with mash potatos, and roast beef or chicken, and garden veggies from their own (EXTENSIVE) gardens. And dessert is ALWAYS homemade pie, or cake with ice cream, and frozen sugared berries, again from their own garden. My grandparents eschew all that health food store bullcrap, and make fun of health nuts and dieters whenever they get a chance, but I think they're the most organic people I've ever met!

7) They're all about "stories." Before my grandpa's hearing and sight got as bad as it is, he used to watch lots of shows, besides his news, which he watches religiously. He always called them his "stories." I remember being a little kid, and visiting my grandparents in the summer, he'd shout from the living room, "Hurry up and finish your dinner, Alleah, so you can come watch stories with me!" Besides being the cutest old man imagineable, he's full of real-life stories about the war, and being an aircraft mechanic. The first thing I do when I arrive at their house in Sooke for a weekend visit (the same as my mom when she was alive) is walk around the garden with Grandpa, and talk about the flowers he's growing, and then we go in the house and sit down and he tells me stories about the war. He always gets choked up at something or another, and we move on to whatever politician is pissing Grandpa off this time. He's such a sensitive soul, I wonder what would have become of him, had he been old enough to serve in the war when it was on...I'm glad he wasn't. It would have destroyed him, or killed him. My grandpa is far too loving a man to be able to survive the horror of World War II.

8) Kids are at the top of the social heirarchy in my family. Adults make decisions with The Kids at the front of their minds. Every decision my mom faced, was made with our welfare in mind. Number one is my grandparent's attention are the kids that are running around. They've been raising kids, or helping their kids raise kids, and now are helping THOSE kids raise kids since 1946. I always remember, as soon as I was out of school each summer, my grandparents were constantly bugging my mom to find out when they could take us kids down for a visit. I remember many summers when I spent the whole two months down at their home in Sooke, watching Disney, playing Pocahontas in their garden, cooking myself popcorn and grilled cheese sandwiches while they worked in the garden all day, coming in only for meal times. It must have been a major shock to them, when all of a sudden, I was a "grownup" and had too much to do over the summer what with doing shows and performing with Collective. I remember how bemused they seemed when I asked to take my boyfriend (Geoff) down with me for a visit.

9) My family hasn't changed for a hundred years. They've always been the way they are now, with their food, and their stories, and their love of children. I remember my mom telling me stories about summers she spent visiting her grandparents in Ontario on the farm, learning to ride a horse, helping her grandparents garden. My grandma tells me stories about her grandma teaching her to cook, and how there would be mounds of good food on the table at every holiday to feed the thirteen kids in her family, and whoever came to visit. I remember reading the family tree, when my grandma wrote it up. Beyond the obvious sheets of names, birthdays, marriages and dates of deaths, there were also stories of interest about my ancestors. Stuff like when they came over from Europe, where they came from, and where they went. Famous people affiliated with my family and how. One story was about my great-grandma, Lilian. She was abandoned by her mother and was shunted from foster home to foster home. When she got married, she swore nothing like that would happen in her family. Her husband bought a big old farmhouse, and that's where they both lived out their lives, raising thirteen kids and helping raise those kids' kids (among THOSE, my mother). I consider my lifestyle, and the way my family is to have started with my great-grandma, who was determined that her family would never experience what she had. That's why her picture is on my living room wall.

10) They love me.

not the best time to be posting

hokay, so I am superdrunk and will probabaly delete this post by tomorrow, but I am drunk, and this is all I can think-

please dear god help me through this...I can't function, all I can really understand is how sad I am.

Oh god, I can't do this. I am so unhappy. I just want someone to love me... I was so grateful this evening, simply for my roommates helping me find my way home. I don't know what to do; I am just so unbearably sad...

Fuck. Well, maybe at least having posted this pathetic cry for attention, I might be able to sleep...