ode to the booty pajamas

forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I succumbed to the unthinkable. I embraced anarchy, and godlessness, and celebrated in my own misdeeds. I relinquished the last vestiges of dignity, any semblance of what's good and right.

Last night, I wore--the Booty Pajamas.

Now, for those of you who do not know of the booty pajamas, well, let me just say that they were the cliche, Aunt-Fanny gift that everybody dreads each holiday season. Only they were from my mother.

Yes, a true betrayal of trust from the one who created me. She KNOWS what I like. She KNOWS what I would wear. She KNEW I was asking for jeans this X-mas. What did she get me? booty pajamas.

Not even kidding. They are a white and red, fleecy, typical early child-hood garment, what with the zipper up the tummy, and the cute little collar, and of course--the booties. When I opened this demon garment on Christmas Day, I could not speak, only gaze at my Mom in perplexedness, and a little fear.

I mean honestly--who buys their teenager BOOTY PAJAMAS???

Now this evil peice of apparel made by Satan himself is a true example of my Mom's sense of humour. I caught her eye, and when she saw what I was holding up, she burst into spontaneous, wide-grinned laughter, mirth twinkling in her eyes, and a joke in her demeanor. She looked at me, all wide-eyed and innocent, and said, "Well, you're the one who always complains about being so cold!"

I regarded her, soberly (well, maybe not soberly, perhaps a better word might be...'incredulously') and wailed, "So you bought me BOOTY PAJAMAS???"

Alas, it was true. Alas, and alack. They did not simply disappear as time went buy. Each day I would awake, and there they were, lying maliciously obvious upon my bedroom floor, along with the rest of my Christmas gifts. Each day, it became clearer and clearer that it had not all been a bad dram, that my mom really had, indeed, bought me booty pajamas.

Fast forward a couple of weeks. The enormous snowfall everyone had been expecting had finally arrived. The air was chilly, and even more chilly inside the great box of a refrigerator my house had become after our oil decided to run out once again. Yes, indeed. No showers. No heat. Only a pitifully miniscule little fire, fighting valiantly inside the damper for life.

I hadn't been getting enough sleep since the snow had come, because I would go to bed at night, fully clothed to battle the cold, and shiver for an hour or more, waiting to sleep. Then I would wake early, again because of the cold, but I could not get out of bed. I couldn't. The air outside my semi-warm covers was frigid, and even poking my fingers out turned them red and swollen within minutes.

One night, I was a'searchin my closet, in hope I might find something warmer to sleep in. I had taken to bringing a hot water bottle to bed with me, which sped the descent into slumber, but did nothing for the wake-up process. I was still terrified of geting out of my covers in the morning and found that I was being late for school quite often because of it.

And what did my eye light upon, but--the dreaded booty pajamas.

How I deliberated! How I worried! How I mulled over the consequences of my actions! If I were to give in...if I were to submit...Mother would forever have the upper hand! Before you knew it, she'd be buying me overalls, and belly shirts! A back to the nineteen eighties I'd slide! Back into the humiliations of elementary school, when I actually trusted my mom enough to allow her to dress me! Could I do it? Should I do it???

Ok, so that's a lie, I put the booty pajamas on over long knee socks, and a tee shirt, and crawled into bed with my water bottle.

My dignity was shattered. How could I return to civilized society? But--the glorious warmness of my body plus the hot water bottle, plus fleecy, long-legged booty pajamas of DOOM! DOOM I SAY! My downfall was complete. I fell asleep wondrously, and dreamt of sugar plum fairies, and imaginary boyfriends of my mother's who had been burned severely and had no eyes. What a wonderful sleep.

And in the morning, I awoke to...

...

...

.........

cold.



*BRAIN ANURISM!*

I shivered! And tossed and turned! And clutched my useless, impotent water bottle! And poked my fingers out only to the merciless cold! The booty pajamas had BETRAYED ME! BETRAYED ME I SAY!!!!!!!!!!

And now I am late for school. Again.