So many thought-provoking posts from everyone lately. Every blog feeds my brains with thinking-food. It seems everyone is in a instrospective mood lately. From Jill's Nanaimo bath to Gregoire's mental anatomies, to Davies' family of tenses. Lisa is a tortured artist, Kylan feels the pressure of other people's irritation. I've written a surprising number of (probably excessively) positive comments tonight. (this morning? it's five thirty AM...whatever) I feel so positive towards my friends, and yet...deep down inside, the light is faltering. I'm sad. I don't like it. I don't know how to fix it. I wish I could make a graph of my levels of feeling to explain it to you. Jesus, I wish I could simply find the words...but I can't.
k...I'm going to try....
I'm looking for something, and I only have a vague idea of what it is, and it seems like I'm looking for it in all the wrong places. Should I have a more clear-cut idea of what I want in a guy? And say, this is my criteria, match it or forget it. Or do what I've been doing and be accepting. All that's given me is a lot of cow pie.
I think sad is the wrong way to describe how I am feeling lately. Because I'm not at all. Most of me is pretty darn content with life. I think I'm very unsettled, though. Not unconfident. Not confused. Just not steady. I'm usually so grounded, and centered on what I want, and how to get it. Not now though. Lonliness is certainly a part of it. And not just boy-related. I don't have a clear best friend right now, I don't have a boy, I don't have any close family. Quinn doesn't understand why I feel the way I do. His empathetic usefulness comes and goes, and usually has more to do with Mom than my actual life, and besides, right now, he's concentrating on a wedding. I'm truly foundationless right now, and that's probably a big part of my unsettledness.
All I have are my dreams. Nothing makes my right-now as shiny and beautiful as it should be. Now THAT makes me sad.
Sorry, this was probably depressing, or boring. I needed to ramble my way through my feelings so that I can conquer them. And with no one to hack through it with in private, my feelings get shoved onto all y'all on the internet. And that means, along with listening to my chatter, I need some wisdom. What's my deal? Why am I so needy?
Saturday, January 13, 2007
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7 comments:
I don't think you're "needy" at all. At least not any more so than the rest of us. If you flat out don't have a clear-cut best friend, nor a boyfriend, then you're simply one step behind in that department. Sometimes that happens. I can't offer you much advice at all, but something that I can say is don't try to go find both a best friend and a byofriend in one guy, and, that being said, don't go lookingo n the INTERNET. That's rough, hun. I mean, you've met a few interesting people, but none of them have panned out into anything more than some messy little fucked up... things. *Coughcreamydeancough* Or if you insist on using 'lots of fish' or 'nexopia' or 'myspace' or whatever to do your boy shopping, then at least take a while to actually build *something* with them before meeting them. Even though you're lonely right now, it's not gonna get better super-fast by meeting someone super-fast. You're gonna spend just as much time blowing through guys as you would spend learning a lot about a couple and connecting with them before you find one that even sort of works. The only difference is, with the former you're gonna expend a lot more energy and have to deal with a lot more failed, awkward encounters with jerky idiots. As for a best friend? Fuck if I know. Get an internet pen-pal, a plutonic internet pen-pal, if you need to vent and express and talk with them. Or drag one of us away.
HAHAHA i sooo noticed everyone's crazy similar posts... well noy actually similar but the blog is the dumping ground of thoughts and i guess we have been thinking over load.
haha as for my poem about the tortued artist, that supose to be funny! i'm not really a tortued artist though it is an inside joke. its kinda like making fun of really emo poeple i'll read it to you outloud. it has more meaning that way.
see you later
LoVe
Lets grab a coffee sometime.
thanks Jordan. Davies, lets go get coffee...youknow you're sitting right there, so I could just say this...but I'm sleepy! :P
Lisa...funny? Totally didn't get that part, lol!
Thanks for the comment on my blog darlin', you're great. And if you ever need someone to vent or talk to, the BJ house door is always open to ya =)
SHE DOES TOO HAVE A BEST FRIEND!
hahaha! yes, Brianna, you're my best friend, it's just that i never see you...
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