insignificance and how it can work for you

I realized a lot of things between two thirty this morning and right now. First of all, the world is much too big a place to be changed, or even slightly influenced by a small girl such as myself. A child well reared is sure of it's important place in this world and is positive that it will be the one to succeed where others have failed and contribute to a sense of order and peace on this chaotic planet. The adult it becomes learns better, learns how big our home really is, and how difficult is can be to attain even a tiny niche to call it's own. I realized that no matter how sure I am of success, it takes only a couple of tiny "insignificant" circumstances to take it out of reach again.

Today I learned that no matter how skilled, how prepared I think I am, its not enough. I need to be more prepared. More skilled. More confident. CCPA is out of reach for another year for me because of a bunch of tiny stupid things (work, lost student card, inconvenient bus schedules, overextended me), and one huge thing (sheer unpreparedness). It's no one's fault but my own. I feel so small right now, and so utterly stupid. I think I can do it all, but I can't. But even knowing that, it's still not good enough. I MUST do it all. I have no other choice. I can't imagine any other choice but to do it all. Plan B is now put off for at least another year. Plan A MUST succeed, or at the very least Plan C. Plan D doesn't bear thinking about for at least another month.

While I feel utterly useless right now, perversely, it's only made me more determined to succeed in my next year. It's all me right now. No one's going to help me when I think I need it, no one will be there to pick up my slack. I owe it to myself to start carving the niche I want in life, or live with the consequences. And the consequences are unacceptable.

What I need to do, in the next week: PEN number, apply to Langara, get a transcript, get head shots done, start looking for apartments, get my L, finish my mask, start my essay, get a new student card, push myself harder than ever to do EVERYTHING. Take care of myself. Less sitting around, doing what I want, relaxing, more thinking of what needs to be done, what the next week will require of me.

I. Cannot. Fail.