Top Ten Things NOT to Do in Pinto's Drive Thru

*inspired by real events *

1) DRIVE UP: If you haven't been past the speaker, you aren't getting served. Plain and simple. Knock on the window, honk, work yourself up into a rightous wrath all you want. I won't serve people who don't know how to use a drive thru. And don't give me that poo about not knowing how to get to the speaker; there are signs every where! And making a cursory pass through the speaker and driving to the window is still a drive up, and I will still ignore you as long as possible (which means until another customer comes and I have to get rid of you in order to serve THEM).

2) Order at the window: this is one of the main reasons why I won't serve drive ups. When you order at the window, unless it's a forgotten coffee, or an extra donut, it puts me back twenty to thirty seconds, and believe me that matters to some customers. I am dead sick and tired of getting yelled at for taking too long, when the shithead customer just previous decided they needed two large sandwiches and a chili with garlic toast between the speaker and the window. Not only that, but a customer who orders at the window is twice as likely to watch the way you prepare their food and complain about it. NO ONE has a right to do that, unless it was an already specified special that I forgot. Which brings me to number three...

3) Ask for food modifications while it's being made: this means asking for more bacon, or no tomato, or to have cream cheese on both sides of your bagel while you're waiting for it at sandwich bar. For starters, many of those mods cost money, and if you're too stupid to ask for your mods at the till, where you're supposed to, I won't feel like giving you a freebie on them. Why? Because I'm an ornery bitch, and I don't give a fuck about you, or your stupid craving for Tim Hortons at three in the morning.

4) Be a crackhead. Ever. I'm sorry, but I hate crackheads. Or methheads, or whatever other drug you happen to be on. If you're on an illegal substance that I personally don't do, I will refuse to serve you on the slightest excuse. That means the first swear word out of your mouth, I'm throwing you out. You fall asleep at a table, I'm throwing you out. You fall down, I'm throwing you out. Call me heartless, but I didn't addict you to crack, and I don't have to deal with it. Why am I so against serving people on drugs? Because aside from the obvious (they're usually smelly homeless people, and act funny causing lots of awkwardness for me as I serve you, not to mention the fact that most of the female crackheads I serve either just gave a blow job for money, or are about to give a blow job for money. You don't know awkward until you're outside your store at four in the morning having a smoke, and you see a prosititute getting into a car, and a minute later they come through your drive thru. THAT'S awkward!)... besides from all that they usually get a huge order of donuts and timbits and ice capps and cappacinos, and they all have ridiculous modifications, and if you don't have the kind of donuts they want, they full out freak out at you, and then you have to throw them out anyways, so it's just not the effort. So no crackheads.

5) hit on me if you are one of the following: an old man, a taxi driver, a crack head, or have no teeth. It's gross. And I will immediately ask Dan to sabatoge your food. Just kidding! But I will look at you like you're crazy, and I don't really want to crush your egos, so just don't hit on me at work and we'll get along fine.

6) Be a quiet talker: If you're in the passenger seat, either don't order, or be prepared to yell. If you're one of those fanatically quiet people, step outside your comfort zone, or be prepared to get your order made wrong. Because if I have to ask you fifteen times to verify your order, I'll probably still fuck something up, and you just have to get used to that. And for God's sake if you drive a deisel truck, or ANY kind of loud vehicle...even if your belt is a little loose and there's a squeak, SHUT YOUR GODDAMN ENGINE OFF!!!!!

7) Have an order bigger than three sandwiches without calling ahead: If I have to make five to ten sandwiches, Ice Capps, Chilis, or bagels, then I will not be happy with you. Orders like that MUST be phoned in ahead of time. I don't care if it's your birthday and you're at the bar with ten friends. The MINUTE you decide to get Timmies, if there's going to be more than three sandwiches on one order you HAVE to phone ahead, or Alleah will be le pissed.

8) Expect to get a large order quickly, especially in the early morning. After five, I'm alone, and the lobby's open. Which means there's three stations I'm manning by myself. I can't cash out the guy ahead of you, serve the guy at front his coffee, and make your four breakfast sandwiches at the same time. So get over it. Before you express ANY pissiness whatsoever to ME, take a look inside. If there's a long line at front, and a long line at drive thru, then take your wait with a grain of salt.

9) Have a bodily function: no peeing, no bowel movements, no puking. Any one of which will get you banned from service. Sounds kind of elementary, but until you've seen a walk-up bar rush, just trust me. This can be an issue.

10) Be rude: This can be as simple as your attitude. I will forgive almost any of the above nine rules being broken if you are polite about it. If you fuck up and forget to order a sandwich before you leave the speaker, apologize when you order at the window. I will feel better, and probably return the politeness. There are so many customers that I absolutely refuse to serve anymore because they are so rude to me every day. Whenever I serve them they are mean and pissy and while they don't do anything that could get them banned, they stress me out more than anything I've mentioned so far. These are the people I am looking for excuses to ban.

I hope these are helpful. This peice of writing could save you from spit in your burger. So read it, and REMEMBER IT. And the next time you get pissed off about your fast food, take a chill pill and remember: you could live in Ethiopia, fuckers.





Anyways...lol! I've learned something about myself from working here at Tim Horton's. I am not a nice person. At all. I honestly don't care about people. I don't care enough to give you your food for free because you can't afford it. In my head, I'm thinking, "go home and cook your own goddamn food if you can't afford it." Yesterday morning, I'd just got off and was sitting at a picnic table with my coffee and my smoke and a guy came up to me and asked to bum a smoke. I told him it was my last. I lied, just to get him to go away. He told me he'd just got out of prison. A better person would have taken into account the fact that after however long he'd been there, he probably had no money, no job, no home, but all that went through MY head was, "ew, a convict." It's enough to make me really dislike myself. I would love to be a caring, generous person, but I'm not. I know I'm not. At least not to people who aren't my friends. When someone I don't know asks for a handout, (known in kinder circles as 'charity'), all I feel is overwhelming anger towards them. "you, a middle aged, crack-addicted homeless man who is too high to help himself, expect ME a nineteen year old girl with no resources to support YOUR nicotine habit for pity? FUCK OFF" that's what goes through my head. And I feel bad afterwards, but at the same time, it makes me so very very angry. That would be a flaw in myself, I think.