You know you need help when

I am so stressed tonight. I am just so depressed, all I wish I could do is just sleep all day long, with no stupid children who scream outside my door at six in the morning, no retard-o family screaming at me, and telling me that I have no motivation (oh the irony), no fucking school hanging over my head depressing and stressing me out before I have even risen from my bed. I wish that just once I could live a day without feeling incompetent, bitchy, or just plain idiotic.

I am sorry, Sean, that you had to hear that between me and my family. I wish that just one day that didn't have to happen. I wish that I wasn't constantly doing something wrong. Nothing is ever good enough for Mrs. Tinnion, or for Brianna, or for Mrs. Sinclair, or even just for my peers, the people I work with. And on the flip side, I wish that for once the recognition that I work for (SHUT UP, SHERAYNA, AND STOP READING OVER MY SHOULDER!) would come about. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!!!

apologies, Sherayna is yelling at me for "refusing to grow up and use ad aware" because clearly it is ALL MY FAULT that the computers have viruses, even though Mom uses this computer too.

Back to my recognition woes. Honestly, I work to the best of my abilities. I do nothing but work, lately. And I do consider all the theatre and choir that I do to be work, and I treat it as such. It's unpaid, and many people will not consider it work because of that, but those are the people who have never done a show, let alone three at once. I just wish that the experience that I have gained through all the work in theatre that I have done would be respected. But people don't listen to chorus members. There is a reason why people want actors to be invisible off stage. Unfortunately, in musicals, people also want chorus actors to be invisible onstage as well. And working as hard as I have been, I feel a little put out when I am denied even the recognition that being invisible has gained me.

I feel like staying in bed all day and crying until I die. and fuck you if you think I'm too emo. because I don't let this out that often.

I apologize for being so troubled. And I apologize for being so short-tempered. And I apologize for being as retarded as I am. But I assure you guys as much as all you hate me being that way, I gaurantee you I hate it more.

For God's sake, what can possess a HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA TEACHER to threaten to cut a role from a production for missing A PRACTICE? It wasn't even a practice that was specifically devoted to practicing my scene, either! She was just yanking the chain, making sure I jumped far enough. Well fuck manipulative rat demon teachers. I hate this.

You know how a few months ago, I was ranting about my family and how I would stick to concentrating on my boy, and my friends, and my music, and my theatre, because at least I got a LITTLE reward from those things? Well, even that little has now left. So basically the way I am acting comes from a feeling that my work means nothing, and the little it meant to me before has now completely evaporated, and I shall get no reward from anything I do ever. Illogical, but that's the way I feel. And that makes life feel so worthless. I need to know that I am affecting things here, in this world. And no, I am not fishing for bloggy blog comments saying how much my friends love and junk. I need tangible evidence. I need to see something, and feel something that shows me that there is a purpose in me being here. God, I hate how melodramatic this sounds. That is NOT the tone I want to take with this entry. I just want to convey how frustrated and alone I feel right now.