there are times when being female blows squirrel testicles.

this is one of those times. I am medicating myself heavily in hopes that I will make it to school by lunchtime. I hurt so badly! The Collective prolly knows what I am talking about, for they have seen me in this condition many times. And watch out, for I am snarling at people like a growly bear. Today I yelled at my Mom for forty minutes until she gave me thirty dollars instead of twenty. I am a bitch. Bitch bitch bitch. I apologize to all in advance of this crabby day.

ack! I feel very tense and pain-filled. I wish I had money more often. In fact, it doesn't even have to be very often at all. Just...enough to get certain things that are usually very cheap. Like off-season Halloween makeup, and candy. That stuff is ALWAYS super-cheap after that holiday has passed. Oh no, I am becoming like my mother. Just a tad more organized.

It makes me sad that although I don't ask for that much (materially-speaking) I still have to take care of myself for everything. I literally might as well just move out. It would probably be easier than living with my family, in spite of having to pay rent, and damage deposit, and bills and junk. It makes me MAD that I ask for A REALLY LOT un-materially-speaking (referring to stuff like dedication, and hard-work, especially in the arts) and still the only one I feel I can count on for that is myself most of the time. And even with that, I let myself down all the time. Something is seriously wrong with this picture. I know what it is. It is the absence of monetary supplements. I really really really am NOT asking for very much!!! I promise! Just enough to get what I want SOME of the time. And what I want is almost always VERY cheap. My family seriously does not understand that about me. I am not out to break their bank! Although I might like to, I don't constantly want money to go buy some high-priced item of clothing, or an exhorbitant peice of jewelry, or superfluous makeup items. Most of the time, I am planning on heading to the dollar store and picking up a new tea light holder for a buck and a half, or cheap Halloween makeup for my theatre makeup supply. And maybe a bag of chips and a Coke for my troubles. More often than not I am buying things for other people. I really really really don't undertand the problem with financing these five, ten dollar endeavors. Understandably most of the time, my family JUST DOESN'T HAVE IT, which is pathetic, but that's life when you're poor. I can understand that. But there are too many times when Mom does have it, and she chooses to spend it on wasteful lottery tickets that she never wins anything on, or TRULY superfluous, cheap-ass, generally ugly statues, and trinkets from second-hand stores that nobody needs or wants really, or EVEN WORSE, on her habit. Her disgusting smelly expensive life-ruining habit. I find it EXTREMELY PATHETIC when her daughter comes absolutely last, even after her smoking. That is when you know that something has gone too far. But honestly, try explaining that to her.

So what solution is left to me? It's not like I have any skills I can make money off of, like jewelry making, or DVD editing (DEVIN! lol!). I already try to make sure that I spend as little as humanly possible on things, but that is turning me into MY MOTHER! this is a very bad thing. My mother is exceedingly cheap, and while she is very talented at running a household on (literally) five hundred and thirty dollars a month, that is NOT a talent I wish to have!!!!

you know what? I could blame Social Services, and say they aren't doing enough. Which to some extent is true enough. When they take a family, and take the youngest daughter's FREAKING ORPHAN PENSION off the top of what they give that family, that is not helpful. I have absolutely no idea why they would ever do that. How is THAT going to help a family? It is a very good thing that I get an orphan pension from the States as well (my father had dual citizenship) and that Welfare doesn't know about it, because if they did, Mom would get around a hundred and fifty bucks from Welfare. To live on. That's right. A hundred and fifty bucks. For rent, food, clothing, school fees. Not to mention our poor dogs. How can one woman raise a family of three on a hundred and fifty dollars? That is cruelty. I would LOVE to see any of those social working shitheads (except Sharon, Gator's Mom, cause she is a good person) living on a hundred and fifty dollars a month. but I digress. I could blame Welfare for our poverty. And I could blame Mom for being disabled, and unable to find work in her field. (and you know what? even though she IS disabled, and no one will hire her because of it, Welfare still won't give her disability benefits? and she doesn't have the skills with computers to be able to take the autocad course at MalU, and get hired as an architect and Welfare won't give her student aid, either because she can't afford schooling anyways. I am of the firm belief that Welfare is the devil.) But really, my discontent all comes down to me. I need to get a job. And I mean RIGHT NOW. If I am not working by the middle of January, then I am honestly going to need to hurt something. I need money, I need stability, I need a schedule. A kinder schedule than the one I have right now. I feel so motivated right now. It's too bad my clothes are finished drying and I HAVE to go to school now (sick or otherwise) because I really want to tweak my resume around. I have many things to add to it. But alas, evil schedule of exhaustion dictates that school is NOW. (actually school was two hours ago, but I am babbling)

goodbye. I want to work.