progress report

so, I thought I should document how my self-improvement thingie is going, seeing as I have seen some minor (but heartening) changes.

1) recover from mom's death

well, this one is developing. I'm not, as of yet, in therapy. I don't know when that will happen. Someone might have to give me a good kick in the ass to go do it. But lately, I haven't been feeling overly fucked up, so I think I'm going to wait until I have a particularly bad few weeks before I do so.

Crying, well meh. I seem to have this really bad bottling problem. As of yet, I've only had one really good cry about her, since that original post. The problem is, I don't let myself think about it. I'm constantly thinking about my life, not the cessation of hers. I guess I'm a little egocentric. And by a little, I mean A LOT. Even when something (a movie, a song) reminds me of it, I'll actively supress it. Bad bad actor! You're supposed to be using this so that when you think of it, you start crying instantly! I can use this, so why not?

2) feel happier while single (which kind of turned into 'hang out with more people')

this one, I'm having lots of progress on! I still check guys out, and it's not like I'm closed for business, or anything, but I've stopped feeling lonely at night, and I'm actually starting to get over Ace! I really really think I am! He ditched me yesetrday, and I only thought about it for maybe ten minutes! Then it was expunged from my system after I tripped on a curb in front of a cute boy in a car, who then started laughing hysterically at me... :( after that I was too busy being mortified for any mooning! lol! I'm going the kill him by kindness by bringing him a turkey sandwich today (Ace, not the boy in the car) just because I feel like doing something nice for someone, and because it'll get me the shit-fuck out of the house! lol!

What I'm noticing, is the extreme problem of horniness...bad bad news. I did something very undignified in Vancouver because of this, that I don't regret per se, but bothers me a lot. Nothing scandalous, or terrible, it just bugs me. My standards are hurting. (not that (*) is beneath my standards! I *heart* you a lot!) By standards, I mean, I should be holding my head over water even with this, not just trying to seduce people because they're safe. That's what I meant by standards, (*). This is something that is going to have to be fixed. And really, there is only one way to solve being in heat: either do somebody (out, unless the circumstances are good); or learn to live without it (something I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to have to do. :(:(:( lol!) So, as far as item 2, goes, me and my mojo are next on the list for being 'fixed.'

As for the 'hang out with more people' part of number 2, I am doing well with this one! I haven't gotten to everybody on that really long list from the last post, but I am working my way through! And I keep meeting friedns of these friends I keep hanging out wiht, which is excellent! It expands my options! Good good good.

3) work out

ha! that's a laugh! I feel happy if I get my ass on my feet long enough to walk to Harewood Mall. plus, no progress with that excersize video. PLEASE! Someone help me with that! I just need a credit card! :(

4) focus on my career

not going particularly excellently. I'm supposed to be out looking for work right now (both acting work, and actual work) and I'm doing neither. Get your ASS IN GEAR!


end of progress report. It's not amazing, but I'm working my way through, and that's all I'm supposed to do, right? Also, those guessing games from the past couple weeks have arisen a need in me to take a long strong look at my personality, and try and figure out my gross, and get rid of it. Readfing those statements made me so scared, thinking, is that what these people really think about me? I figure if I make an effort not to be those undesirable things, than those statements will be much less scary! I mean, come on, someone like Meghan would never be scared reading those, because she's very real and down-to-earth, and would know which statements apply to her, and which wouldn't. I mean, no one could ever call Meghan loud and crude! (one of the statements I'm scared is about me) So, the plan is, I get rid of the garbage, and I'll know I've succeeded when I'm not terrified reading those statements anymore.

So. This is the plan. It's doing alright. I hope I make it. :)