when I fall in love, it will be forever...

today started very badly and ended fantastically! how strange...

I got up, and planned to go to school and stuff like normal, but ended up getting into a fight with the mom because my laundry wasn't done. My laundry had been waiting downstairs in the laundry room since last Wednesday, but hadn't been put in, because both the dryer and washer were full. Now I barely have time to do my own laundry let alone everyone elses, so at the time, I just set my basket down, and asked Mom if she could remove the clothes in the dryer, and switch the load over so I could come home and put my laundry in. She didn't. And didn't. And didn't and didn't and didn't all weekend until I got up this morning with no clean clothes to wear. Now at the time the basket had been sent down in the first place, I had lots of clean clothes to wear. But not anymore. So I refused to go to school because I didn't have clean clothes to wear, because no one had moved the clothes that were in the washer and dryer in all that time, and I hadn't had a chance to do my own laundry. Well Mom and I ended up getting into an enormous fight in which she called me all manner of unpleasant things, she slapped me for telling her I didn't want to live on Welfare, and the fact that I did so much out of school was necessary if I wanted to ever get into college (not that it's doing anything anyways, seeing as how I haven't gotten the roles I needed for scholarships), she told me that I didn't have the strength of character needed to survive being fired, and that I shouldn't begrudge her the few things she saved from the fire, because she lost a whole lot. Just so all of you know, I lost everything. Absolutely everything. My clothes, my pictures, my memories. It is ALL gone, and she says that I don't have the right to tell her to let go of some stuff. I don't even know how the conversation got on that topic. But basically I got completely sick of listening to her, and walked (note, walked not stomped, or anything else ridiculous, and childish) upstairs to my room, closed and locked the door, and tried to be by myself. At which time she came upstairs, told me to unlock the door or she'd break the door down, and then proceeded to tell me that I was alienating my family, and my pet because I was never home, and because I was never home I was not "worth it." Because I'm never home.

That is when I locked myself in the bathroom and proceeded to have an emotional breakdown of sorts. I hate the term emotional breakdown, because so many people use it as a sympathy ploy, but technically, it seems the correct term to use to describe what I did. I sat in the bathroom, and wept until I started hyperventilating. Then I got control of myself, and hid myself in the den. I could not have gone to school even had I wanted to at that point, I was completely depressed. I couldn't even have spoken to anyone had they attempted to speak to me. My eyes were bloodshot, and sore, and stayed that way til three in the afternoon.

Anyways, I was home until about twenty after two when Sean finally came on msn, and I talked to him. He asked me if I wanted to come over, and of course, being me I leapt at the chance! Mom let me, for some reason, so his mom came and picked me up. On the way there, she told me that Sean acted happier since dating me, and how he got up in the mornings, and acted nice, and happy all the time, and how he was more motivated to do things on his own like go to the doctor's, or take the bus, and how he cleaned up around the house more. All since I had been around! And my day turned right around! I felt so great about that!

When I got there, Sean was doing dishes, and I was still a bit funky so I just kind of sat and rubbed my eyes while he finished up. Then we went downstairs, and talked and kissed and cuddled which felt very very nice. I can't remember if it was before dinner or after, but we talked about a lot of stuff, like what we were both self conscious about. Somehow that turned into me warning him about my crazy thing with commitment. Some people can't commit. Me, when I commit, I COMPLETELY commit. You can't get rid of me when I commit. Which is why it was so hard to let Geoff go. I had commited like that to him. I always intended to grow up, and marry Geoff, and bear his children, and all that junk. I was totally in it to the end, and nothing was going to change that for me. Not the way Geoff acted, or anything he did. I guess he didn't understand that, or maybe he just didn't want it. Or maybe he just didn't want me. But at any rate, when he rejected that, it was just impossible for me to believe. 'I couldn't even imagine my life without him, how could he have possibly imagined his without me', that kind of thing. ANYWAYS, I warned Sean about that, and it turned more from a heads-up into, a vow of sorts! But it was all true. I am not to that point yet, but if I get to that point, (and I can feel it starting) then I am totally in it to the end, and he needs to know that. When Sean heard that, he just said, "I feel like crying right now..." and I felt totally accepted by him! I hope I do start to feel that way, because he is so important to me. I love him so much!

Brianna is right, my theme song is When I Fall in Love! *when I give my heart/it will be forever/or I'll never give my heart...*



...in a restless world like this is...